This crazy tapestry…

Today, has been absolutely crazy. From the moment I sat down to work it has been non-stop. The more I think I’m getting on top of things and ready to hand things over, the more things happen to show me yet just something else I have to do. Or someone suddenly needs important information from me and it has to be today and I’m the only one who can supply it. And I was the only one who could supply it.  Well, others could have guessed and they might have come up with the same thing I did however they might not have caught the fact that the person was working off old data from a year ago and that things had changed quite a bit over the past year.

I still have some critical things to do before I hand over the reigns completely and can relax and know things will be handled while I’m gone. But right now, I feel like a rubber band pulled tight, and if anyone takes one more yank, it just might break. Soooo… I’m taking a break and I’m writing to all of you.

I talked to my daughter just a bit ago. Asking her how she was doing, and brought up about my surgery coming this Wednesday. I could tell by the look on her face that she was about to cry and by the time I got up and sat down beside her, she was crying. I asked her if she was scared and she nodded her head. I told her so was I and that it is normal to be scared but to know that I have good surgeons and they will take good care of me. She will be spending the day with my friend, while I’m in surgery and recovering before they release me to go home. I’m glad they will have each other. I’m going to tell them to go explore the area, go to the mall not far away which I discovered yesterday when I was trying to find something to eat after my physiotherapy appointment. They will need to keep each other busy instead of hovering around the center worrying.

Tomorrow I’ll be out all day with two appointments, a pre-op and my naturopath.  Then the next medical appointment after that will be Tuesday for the injection I need for surgery.

The one thing that has been having me feel stressed was my friend flying in on Tuesday arriving at 12noon, when I have an appointment at 1:15pm for the injection. She has to go through customs. So talking with her tonight I suggested maybe her coming in Monday evening would be better, less stressful with trying to get to the appointment. Since it wouldn’t cause her to take any more time off she agreed to check into it. This way too we’ll have more time to just visit, plus she will be able to go with me to the appointment for the injection and see where the place is. That way driving on the day of surgery won’t be her driving to or from the place for the first time.

Today has been just jammed pack full of so much, I really need to find a way to remove myself from it for a while. Something that will allow me to just shut my mind off. On top of this, Monday, I’ll be meeting with a Notary to draw up a Will, which I have been putting off ever since I received complete custody of my daughter about three years ago. So it is time I finalize it so I know she will be taken care of if anything should happen to me. My friend who is coming to help is who I am setting up as her guardian. The two of them made such a good connection when they first met, that I have no worries that she would be well taken care of.

Now the thing that surprised me about all of this, were the additional appointments I had no idea about until I received a call telling me of their need to be scheduled. The physiotherapy was one of them. I did know that exercises would be needed however I had assumed the instructions would be given to me after surgery.

I had also thought an oncologist would be brought in as soon as the diagnosis of cancer was made however that is not the case. One is not brought in until after surgery. Maybe in some cases they are brought in earlier if the stage or type of cancer warrants it, apparently in my case it does not. I was told I was in stage 2. This agrees with what I read during my research.

The next step is of course surgery and then waiting to find out the pathology results of what was removed. This includes the sentinel lymph nodes. The key will be whether any of the sentinel lymph nodes show any signs of cancer, and if they do, how many of them. I am trying to remain positive that none of them do, or if any do then only the first couple closest to the cancer. If the cancer hasn’t traveled through to the furthest lymph node then they may have gotten it all. Also they will be checking the breast to see how far the cancer has grown out into the surrounding tissue and whether there is any close to the edges, depending on how close it is to the edges will determine if any further treatment is needed.

Again, I am reminded that things happen for a reason. Sometimes, events that look really bad, are not as bad as they seem, but because we have procrastinated on other things, sometimes these events are placed in our path so we stop procrastinating and do the things which we need to do. Because… because somewhere down the road we will need to have these things completed in order to prevent something so much more catastrophic,… or… because we need those things in place so we will be prepared for something far worse or if not worse just serious enough that if those things were not in place then it would be much, much worse and probably more than we could normally handle.

I’ve seen connections like these. I can’t explain them. I just know that at times if I had not done certain things when I did, then what happened next could have been far worse.  I find these things fascinating. I find patterns which apparently have absolutely no connection that suddenly when one single thing occurs that brings all those unrelated things suddenly together, I find this is when my mind can comprehend and believe in God. Or can believe that God is the Universe surrounding us orchestrating all this interconnectedness. Today, I see these things, I can sense these connections starting to form, which are not yet connected, it is like I see a tapestry with all the threads lying off to the side, I can see the colors, but not yet the pattern. when the person begins to embroider the pattern and they do so with say a flower in one corner, and a bee in the middle and something else in another corner, you can’t quite see the whole picture but you know eventually it will all come together in a beautiful tapestry. That is how I see life. That is how I see my life. This moment in my life is just one of those colors of thread, being sewn in just one tiny spot of the tapestry, and that tapestry may be almost filled or there might be another panel yet to come that has yet to be joined and yet to be filled. And death to me is just yet another panel to add to the tapestry.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to This crazy tapestry…

  1. Mark Baron says:

    The universe is an amazing, strange, and wonderful place. I refuse to fear the unknown, for in time, it will be revealed.

    • Kate Spyder says:

      I’m following another blogger, http://sycofx.wordpress.com/ , because of his writing I’m getting a glimpse into understanding fear which makes me want to dive into a deeper investigation. There are times I have no control over the fear, it just hits me and it isn’t related to low progesterone levels. This blogger writes about childhood trauma and how it affects us. How unrelated events can trigger fear. We might be able to rationalize it and tame it but we may never be able to completely get rid of it. I at times do not always recognize that it is fear I’m feeling or reacting to if I don’t take the time to look deeper. I find myself running before I even realize I’m running. I can tell myself a million times I won’t fear something any more but it doesn’t stop the fear from bubbling up inside. In some ways all it does is keep it bottled up and me in denial that it exists which is not a good thing. I know at times fear is a good thing to have because it helps to protect me from doing something really stupid and harmful, so I’m all about acknowledging the fear I feel and trying to understand what triggered it and why, and not let it stop me from doing what I know is best for me, like this surgery coming up. By the time the day gets here, I’ll be glad when the anesthesia starts to work and my mind will be free at least for a while of the fear.

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