Saying good-bye

Comfort. She wore it for comfort. Shape didn’t matter. That it covered her softer and more vulnerable parts that were left bare was all she cared about except for the softness of the fabric. She had lost track of how long she has had it. The edges, all edges were now worn and fraying. The edge of the sleeves, neckline and hem where the material folded was worn so thin there were very few places which still had threads connecting. The inside and outside edges where the material folded under to be sewn now curled in opposite directions of each other in many places revealing how the crease was worn creating two separate pieces of material. If she had no place to go she wore it most days around the house only putting on a comfortable pair of yoga pants.

The neckline was loose. It gave her the room she desired. It caressed the back of her hand every time she slid her fingers across her skin, sliding them underneath the neckline to travel down and across the slow rise of flesh. Feeling the soft texture of the material contrasting with the soft flesh of her skin, pressing her fingers gently, massaging and exploring until they reached a particular spot just left and south of her armpit.

Each time she hoped it wouldn’t be there. Each time she hoped it would be smaller if she found it. Each time though her fingers found the hardness where the soft cushiony feeling of her breast changed into something foreign, something unknown to her, though over the past several months had become so familiar it no longer surprised her when she felt it. Her fingers caressed it like an old friend, searching out the edges, exploring its texture finding some places harder than others.

Lying down it felt different than when sitting up. Lying down it was almost invisible to her touch. Sitting up, there was no doubt of its existence, her fingers found it without error under the dimpled surface of her skin.

As her fingers massaged she felt its contours. There was nothing to indicate the evil lurking beneath the surface. There was nothing sharp nor menacing about it. There was no pain. There was no tenderness. There was nothing but the simple fact that one small area of her rather sensually soft curve of breast had become hard.

She had lived with it a long time. How long she really couldn’t remember. She couldn’t even remember what it was like when she first felt it. It was very similar to the lump on her neck which a doctor told her was a blocked lymph node. Why no one seemed concerned over it but yet suddenly had her jumping through hoops over this other lump, she quite frankly didn’t understand.

She often wondered if the doctor had been wrong about the lump on her neck now that she knew for sure that the lump in her breast was not benign. What difference did it make now? None really.

Her hand often found its way, sliding under the soft material which wrapped her in comfort. After caressing it like an old friend, her hand would travel further down find her large nipple. Feeling its contours and softness until her caress brought it to a hard peak. Cupping her breast, feeling its weight in her hand she wondered how vastly different it would feel when they constructed her new one. Would the new one respond to her touch? Or a man’s touch? It was sad to think it would not.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Saying good-bye

  1. Mark Baron says:

    This is so deeply personal, intimate, beautiful and heartbreaking. I wish I had all the answers to give you, to reassure you, to make it easier. In the end, all I have is my friendship. I hope it helps, at least a little.

    • Kate Spyder says:

      Thanks Mark. Your friendship is of great help. What some people do not realize is just how someone calling or emailing, asking how I am and letting me speak openly and honestly without trying to ‘fix’ things is of tremendous help. I wrote this not to gain sympathy. Not to get answers. But so others could get just a momentary glimpse into what goes on in the mind of a person who has cancer and will have a part of their body removed because of it. I hear all the time how people wish they could help when in reality all I want to do is help others. Help them to learn about cancer, about a person going through this, how to maybe avoid getting it themselves, but most of all to let others know it can be the simplest things that help or can lift a person. Just a simple comment to my blog can lift me up, and help me to focus on other things. Sharing my story with others, as many as possible, could possibly lift another person and show them they have a sister in their fight. Cancer not only destroys cells in the body but it destroys our emotional state and if we let it, it will make us feel as though our body has become our enemy when it really has not. What we need in this fight aren’t more and more chemicals, we need affordable clean healthy food, wholesome food, and supplements to give our bodies the power to destroy cancer before it has a chance to gain a foothold. I have learned so much. I know modern medicine isn’t my enemy but there has to be a better way of fighting cancer than surgery, radiation and destructive chemicals. I can only pray I don’t need the latter two. My hope is that my sharing not only my story, the processes I’m going through but also how it affects me emotionally, will help someone else, will give them the will to see it through or to help a loved one going through something similar. I am experiencing this with my friends and family who are far away from me, and I hope no one else has to do that. The worries and fear are overwhelming just dealing with cancer but to do so knowing everyone who wants to help is not close at hand thereby limiting how they can help, adds another dimension to the level of worry as well as that of going it alone. Yes, your friendship helps. And I hope through my comment you can get an idea of just how much. much love to you and yours. -Kate

  2. farrahdomid says:

    Really honest and beautiful. So beautiful. Thanks for letting us in ❤

    • Kate Spyder says:

      This was an attempt to help people, men and women, understand how someone might feel in a similar situation. I can’t tell you how many times I did this, over and over again, the same thoughts circling through my mind.

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