I had a really bad weekend. The pain had diminished to what I felt was a very comfortable level so I felt I could go off of the pain killers I was taking and resort to just using Tylenol and Advil. I felt this was going well until a couple days later I started experiencing chills that last about 30-40 minutes followed by a hot flash which would last for about 10-15 minutes while sweating my butt off. This would rotate frequently throughout the day and lasted for several days until this past Saturday night it was also accompanied by the shakes.
I wasn’t sure if this was a reaction to going off the pain meds, or a response from my body possibly rejecting or having an infection from the expander or if I was having a nervous breakdown of sorts. By 6am Sunday I was at the end of my rope and I took a pain killer. As the pain subsided some but the chills and hot flashes and shakes continued, I decided to approach it logically which is usually how I approach most things.
Sunday morning I had a friend of mine take me to the hospital emergency, we got there probably around 9am and was there until about 12 or 1pm with the end result from chest x-ray, urinalysis and blood work and examination all telling me everything looked good and I was healing well. During this time the chills and hot flashes had also receded but I had a hard time dealing with some of the things going on in the hospital emergency ward. One of them being the simple thing of a baby’s cough sounding like she was going to throw up making me feel queasy and light headed. This all pointed to most likely everything I was feeling was due to my nerves being stretched to their absolute maximum.
We left the hospital with a prescription for a refill of my pain killer since I was down to only a couple pills left. I believe I’ve received enough which will get me through until my next surgery on 30 September.
When we arrived home after picking up lunch for us and the kids, we sat down to eat and I finally broke into the bottle of diazepam that had been prescribed for my nerves. I was cautious of taking this until I knew there wasn’t anything physically wrong. I didn’t want to get into a state of mind where I wouldn’t care or wouldn’t notice if there was another problem occurring. Since I had been reassured that physically I am doing well, I now felt more comfortable with taking something to help calm my nerves. I had not taken any medication like this before so I wasn’t sure how it would affect me mentally so I took half of a tablet. I didn’t notice any huge difference but I did feel more relaxed and was able to take a nap. This was good since I had hardly slept the night before.
It is difficult to describe how I felt. Being on edge just isn’t sufficient especially if others have never been there to understand what I’m talking about. And unless someone has ever actually been to the point of feeling as though they were losing complete control of their mental facilities or feel as though they were reaching a point where they can no longer take care of themselves and their child or children, I’m not sure they could really understand the point I was at this weekend. All I could think about was how tired I was of feeling pain, almost a month to the day after surgery and I’m still on pain killers when I was told this surgery would not be as painful as one would think, while it has ended up for me more painful than I was lead to believe or even consider it would be and for much longer than I expected. All I wanted to do was make the pain stop and the only way I could think that would happen would be by getting the expander removed. I would have been happy if they just wheeled me into surgery Sunday straight from emergency and removed it then but of course that isn’t what happened.
Today, I’m feeling much better. The only conclusion I can come up with is I will need to stay on the pain killers and for some reason they stop a level of pain that Tylenol and Advil together do not touch that I apparently only feel on an emotional level that effects my nerves. So for now it will be pain killers and diazepam for my nerves until the pain is all gone and hopefully by the end of my healing for the next surgery there will be no more pain.
I did call my plastic surgeon’s office today as well as the surgeon’s office who will remove the lymph nodes on my next surgery, both offices told me it would take the plastic surgeon to remove the expander. After being told this I told them I would wait to decide until after the next surgery and how I’m feeling once I’ve healed from it as to what I’ll do. If I’m still experiencing pain in the area of the expander then I will discontinue the reconstruction and have them remove the expander. Also, the results from the lymph nodes might also be a sign of what decision I should make. Obviously trying to do this all at the same time is a much larger undertaking than I thought it would be. For now, pain killers and diazepam are making me comfortable and my nerves seem to be calmer.
The one thing that makes me really sad about all of this is how my journey as a submissive has been placed on a back burner. It isn’t completely gone from my thoughts but it dwells in the background and I wonder if it will ever see the light of day again.