Beginning day 4 – decisions

The past two days have been horrible. The worst I’ve felt in my life. I honestly can’t do this, not if this is how it is going to be. I’m exhausted. I can’t do anything. I can’t take care of my daughter. I can’t even take care of myself. I haven’t eaten anything of substance for two days. Even drinking water makes me feel awful. I feel like crying non-stop. My eyes are watering all the time. I’m always needing to blow my nose. I’m so weak I feel like I’ll fall down just crossing the room.

Right now I’m sucking on ice hoping to at least get some fluids into me but my mouth feels so weird it makes me want to stop even that. I know if I am to continue this I will need someone full time to take care of me. I just can’t do it. Nothing is like they made it sound like. Not the surgeries. Not the expander. Not the effects of the chemo. I’m coughing. I feel like I could throw up sometimes when I cough. My throat doesn’t feel right either. I ended up in ER earlier tonight because I couldn’t eat from the pressure in my diaphragm. They gave me something to stop the acid and gas and then told me I could go home when all I wanted to do was curl up in the hospital and have them take care of me.

Up until this point I could handle the exhaustion but now I just can’t. I’m scaring my daughter. I’m scared to death and I’m not even half way through my treatments. I want to die and that just isn’t right. I feel like going back to the ER and tell them to put everything back. I hate this. I hate how this makes me feel. I hate what that all means.

I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. I’m giving up and I don’t know what to do.

Up until now, I was surprised how good I felt other than the two days of exhaustion. Then my oncologist told me as the treatments progress I’ll feel more and more tired and by the end I will be glad once the treatments are complete. I don’t think I’m going to make it that far. I want to call her tomorrow and tell her I’ve had enough and I can’t do it anymore. I’m serious. I really can’t.

I feel like screaming at my daughter right now. It is winter break for her and she is staying up until three or four in the morning which means she sleeps in until one or two in the afternoon. But then I realize it is her way of dealing with this. And for me, she can’t do anything to help. How can I ask her to be my nursemaid, or be the adult and take care of everything, like washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking meals? This isn’t what her life is supposed to be like. It isn’t what my life was supposed to be like. I should have never gone to the doctor. I should have just kept my head in the sand and ignored the lump.

In the morning, I will be calling the chemo nurse line. I’m going to tell them all of this. I know they will try and be kind, caring, talk me through it. Tell me it is only temporary, that I’ll feel better soon. I have a feeling most patients reach this point some time in their treatment and they will be ready to deal with anything I have to say. I would be on the phone now with them if they answered their line 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I would be talking to my oncologist telling her I can’t do this anymore if I could reach her but I can’t, so I’ve suffered all weekend.

I told a friend of mine, I wish they could just put me in a self-induced coma until this was all over. Or if I could just sleep through it all. But none of that is possible. I can only say that how I feel, at this point, I could send my daughter to my friend and then just let myself die and that scares me. Scares me so bad, not being afraid to die but that I would give up. Would my daughter be better off? What would it teach her? Would she have a better quality of life without having to live through this? Without having to watch me suffer? Would she be able to forgive me for leaving her? Would she understand? What scares me most is having her here with me isn’t enough anymore to make me want to live, to make me want to fight with every fiber of my being and I don’t think there is anything in the world right now that would make me want to continue this, at least not this way. More and more I wish I would have followed my first instincts and just pumped my body full of natural products. If only I had the financial means to do so and that is the clincher. Finances should never be a problem when trying to live and treat one’s self through natural means. This is all fucked up.


I’m now entering day 4. Yesterday wasn’t as bad as the previous two but I still haven’t eaten anything really solid. The nurse told me to push liquids but in doing so to only sip because that can upset the works. I went from constipation straight into diarrhea from adding the meds from ER and having the nurse tell me to take immodium which luckily I had on hand. I’m supposed to also have on hand something liquid for gas but what they don’t understand is I can’t just hop in a car and go get the things they tell me. So I have nothing on hand for gas which I think is what my coughing is from. I did try sipping milk and it seems to ease it some so today I need to try and go out and get something liquid.

The weakness and fatigue isn’t as severe this morning. The drug dexamethasone is a steroid and is what is causing me all these problems. The nurse said I’m crashing hard from it so she talked with the doctor and they had me take ½ a pill yesterday and today they want me to take ¼ pill so it will ease me off of it and not crash so hard. But the damage is already done. I’ve got to try and get something more solid into me. If it wasn’t for the Ensure a friend of mine helped me get after the trip to the ER I wouldn’t be getting anything of nutritional value into my system. What good is that when they put chemicals in your body to attack it without nutrition to help restore it? All it is doing is killing me. The drugs they are giving me is only to stop the symptoms of the side effects it isn’t to help give me anything of value to help my body do the job it was meant to do. And my body is meant to fight this disease. It has the tools if I provide them and right now I’m not. So I’m done with this, now it is about rebuilding my body, making it strong, making it powerful to do the job it was meant to do and if it can’t then I know it is time for me to go. If I make it long enough to see my daughter to being an adult that will be great, if not, I know I have a wonderful friend who can do that for me. This lesson I believe is about teaching me and my daughter about the powerful nature of our bodies and nature itself and the power of belief.

My plan is the following, I have to get my digestive fleura back in proper balance so I can eat and drink without pain. Then when I see my oncologist to tell her exactly how I feel about the treatments and what they have done to me. And why I have chosen to stop them. To tell her I trust my body to do what is necessary using a healthy regimen and not a toxic one. The next will be to go to my plastic surgeon and have the expander removed once my body is strong enough to handle the surgery. I don’t want any foreign substances in my body. Then the next will be to see my naturopath and work on flushing the toxins from my body and helping to get the right nutrition back into it to build it back up and restore it to as optimum health as possible.

This will probably come as a shock to people that I would quit in the middle of the treatments but I listen to my body and my body is telling me this isn’t working. It’s killing me. When I can’t eat, can’t drink, can’t sleep. When my digestive system is so wacked out it won’t function properly. When I feel like my heart is pounding through my chest trying to get out. It is time to stop and listen. It is time to hear what it is telling me and it is time to do what I think is right.

About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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