Tonight

Tonight I’m sitting here pushing fluids after finally having a day where I can drink normally and actually ate some plain macaroni cooked very soft. The lump is gone from my throat when I drink but tonight I realized I developed a fever. So far it is below the 39 degree C in which they tell me I have to go to the hospital. So I sit here hoping the water I’m drinking will do the trick and flush whatever is causing the fever from my body.

I really want to avoid the hospital because I know they will push antibiotics which will only cause the fleura in my digestive system to be out of balance and they won’t push probiotics.  If I end up going I will have to make sure I take the probiotics with me and take them but right now I’m remaining positive that fluids, in this case water will do the trick.

With this new development I’m even more convince that I should not have done this but since I did, I have to take care of it and work on getting my body back on track. Without a doubt I have to put a stop to the chemo. I must rebuild my body, make it strong again. It will take time but I know it can be done if I remain vigilant.

I wish I could tell others how serious this is so they would understand.  Maybe chemo is right for some people but not for me. Or possibly what is happening is my body telling me I had all the chemo it needed to kill any cancer left in my body.  Many will probably think I’m crazy or dreaming or taking a risk that will eventually kill me but I don’t believe that. Today my daughter said something to me. She told me the cancer is gone. I could tell when she said it, that it was like the message from the pharmacist and I looked at her and I said, “you know what baby? You are right. It is gone. And from here on out, that is what we will believe while I work on healing my body and getting it strong again.”  My daughter doesn’t say these things on a whim, and she is not someone who is in denial of real life. She faces life head on. It might shake her. It might scare her as the past six days have been for her but she faces it and deals with it and is honest about how she feels.

I’m not in denial about this either but if I go around believing cancer is still in my body working its way towards killing me then that is what will happen. Why should I put myself in that situation? Why shouldn’t I give my body, mind and spirit every chance it can to live positively and wholesomely?

I’m not here to convince other people to not do chemo. I’m only here to tell my story as truthfully as I can and hope that it helps impart wisdom or at least knowledge for others who read my story to do their own research so they can make an informed decision for their given situation.

I caved. I caved, ignoring my instincts. I ignored the research I did. Prior to my diagnosis of cancer I had come to realize I am a submissive.  I naturally follow others. I want to trust that they know best for me and in this case I let the doctors and others convince me that chemo was the way to go when I knew full well the numbers the Oncologist gave me had no actual connection to my physical condition.  The numbers were historical from other patients who had similar situations to mine and what I know without a doubt is every person is different. I’ve seen it enough in my life. Let me give you an example.

When I became pregnant with my daughter I was 42 years old. I had never had any other children or been pregnant. The doctor’s immediate response was due to my age he wanted to do all kinds of tests some of them invasive and risky to the baby. My daughter’s father is huge into living naturally. I was in the best shape of my life. When I met him I was overweight and with his help I began exercising and losing weight to where I had returned to my optimum weight of 120 lbs after being up in the 150-160 lb range.  We spoke to the doctor about only doing blood work and if the blood work indicated there might be a problem then we would consider other tests. When the blood work came back, the doctor told me it ranked me in an age group between late twenties and early thirties.  We looked at the doctor and told him ‘no’ on any further tests. My pregnancy went wonderfully. When I got close to being due the doctor wanted to do some monitoring of the baby to check for any stress, all it involved was putting a band around my waist and recording the baby’s heartbeat for about 20 minutes. Longer if any stress was recorded. I did this test about three or four times and each time I was out of the doctor’s office within the 20 minutes. They never had to keep me longer because the baby never showed any signs of distress or stress or whatever it was they were looking for. The only problem I had was during delivery and that was due to scar tissue on my cervix from a procedure done in my twenties or thirties where bad cells were detected on a pap and they decided to remove some tissue and have it tested. It was clean. I delivered naturally though I was in labor a long time. Afterwards, when I saw the doctor for a follow-up appointment, he revealed to me that the file he had on me was one of the smallest he has and that he has patients in their twenties whose files are ten times thicker than mine. In other words, he was showing me that I do not fit into ‘normal’ statistics.

I still believe this is the case. Other than the lymph nodes, the Oncologist has not given me any reason to believe they did not get all the cancer and that cancer remains in my body. In fact, there is no way for them to tell until a mass starts to build that is big enough for their instruments to detect. I learned in my research that it takes billions of cancer cells before they can be detected by the instruments we have today.

What will I do? Well, I’m going to believe the cancer is gone until I have proof otherwise. I am going to give my body a fighting chance by supporting its natural processes to fight disease. I’m going to live a spiritual life that supports this and provides me the emotional support of friends and family who are willing to support me in my choices. I will not have negative people who are not supportive around me. I will no longer stress myself over those who at one time I felt should be there for me but for one reason or another have not been able to be. I don’t mean physically being here at my side. I mean communicating with me and offering me positive support even from a distance. I will have to leave them behind and build a true family of support.  I will go back to my roots which has worked in the past for bringing to me those things and people I really need in my life. And most of all, I will believe in myself and the power of nature or as others might call it the power of God.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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