It has been a long time…

It has been a long time since I have written anything which wasn’t about my diagnosis and treatment of breast cancer. Given, it has been the hardest and scariest thing that has ever happened to me but my life isn’t just about cancer even though for the past few months it has dominated my life.

Most of my readers signed on because of my journey of discovering I am submissive and looking for a Dominant. It was hard to accept that my journey would have to be placed on the back burner for a while but I never filed it away permanently, nor did I ever give up hope in one day finding my Dominant.

My journey with cancer has definitely changed me. In what ways, I am only beginning to understand. Today I may stand knowing I am a submissive but I will be a submissive who has taken back control of her body and health. But what this really means is I’ve taken back control of my life.

In some ways I feel like the medical doctors haven’t come very far from the charlatans who used to pedal the elixirs in the day where they told you it healed all kinds of ailments. My body has been poisoned. It has been taken to the brink of death in the guise of modern medicine treating a disease, when the chemical they put in my body doesn’t target the disease but targets the cells which have a fast turnover rate in the body. These are cells that make my body function properly and maintain good health. I find it amazing that anyone survives this treatment at all and on top of it, I find it amazing that anyone who survives does so without cancer re-invading their bodies at this most vulnerable time. This to me isn’t a testimony of the power of the treatments, it is a testimony to the resilience and power of the body.

The doctors want you to believe the reason people survive is because of the treatments. I challenge this belief. I believe people survive because of the power of their bodies. When I say bodies, I mean their whole being, both mind, spirit and physical body. The doctors have no proof that it is the treatments. They use statistics to convince us. I know enough about statistics to know numbers can be and are manipulated however those creating them want them to appear.

So in trying to write this post about my journey as a submissive, I find it quite disconcerting to know these doctors manipulated me.  Though I know it is not completely their fault, and I had to learn for myself what chemo and all the drugs they give you along with chemo, would do to me, I feel in some ways that I was brainwashed or rather successfully manipulated into ignoring my baser instincts.

This is the risk all submissives take in their lives. We all want to believe Dominants in whatever form they take in society will treat us with understanding and in our best interests and in this case what is best to heal me from the disease that had infested my body.  I wanted to believe I was in the best hands possible and I could sit back and let them make the decisions that were vital to my well-being. In doing so, I ignored instincts that were screaming at me to not do it. I ignored the information I had gathered that backed up those instincts. Then lastly I believed it was the only option available to me because the alternatives were expensive and too far away.  I didn’t trust that I could do this myself.

Submissives, ladies and gentlemen, must have faith in themselves before they can have faith in someone else. Whether you are a man or a woman in this world, whether you are submissive or Dominant or a balance of both, everyone should always follow their instincts and discuss them with whoever they want to hand their life over to. As a submissive I should always be evaluating, evaluating whether the Dominant in my life is doing what is best for him/herself as well as for me whether that person has been in my life only one day or a thousand and one days. This is what I failed to do.

Before you say, but you don’t have a Dominant, let me explain why I say this isn’t true. People comprise various roles in our lives and they take on either a submissive or a Dominant in that role. If you manage people then you take on a Dominant role over those people, if you have a boss then you take on a submissive role to that boss. If you let them a doctor will take on a Dominant role and this is where my Oncologist and Surgeons come in, because I let them take on this Dominant role, telling me what to do. The other option I had was listening to them explain their reasoning for wanting to do a procedure a particular way and why other options were not being recommended, then letting me chose which one.  In a small way this did happen but in my mind, I was letting them take the reigns, so as their patient they were able to override my survival instincts and have me run directly into the burning flames. Neither of us knew if I would survive the burning flames but we both hoped I would come out maybe with a few burns and scars but healthy and whole.

Now here is what I see is a huge gaping hole.  What is missing in this picture is there was no rubbing of salve to help heal the burns, no offer to wet down my nice shiny coat to protect it from the hot flames, no protective mask to help me not breathe in the smoke from the fire, and no deep breath allowed to fortify the lungs while I plunged through the fire. In other words, the basic support needed to maintain good health was not provided.

This seems terribly and unutterably WRONG.

As submissives we must look at our whole environment. We can’t hand over control of one part of it and let the other part fall to the wayside hoping to pick it back up later and expect it to be just as whole and strong as it was when we set it aside.  We also can’t poison a part of our environment and expect it to not affect the rest of our environment if we don’t give the environment something to help keep it strong against the poison.

I am picking up the pieces and I’m slowly putting things back together. I don’t know what direction this will take me or where my journey will go from here. What I do know is I can’t neglect a single aspect of who and what I am and my faith in myself has to be unwavering.

I have had enough proof in the past week that proves to me, I have no reason to doubt my faith in myself or my instincts. It is so easy to let doubt cloud our minds and our decisions when we have specialists showing us statistics, figures and how wonderful modern medicine is in it accomplishments today when it conflicts with our instincts which has no facts or figures to back it up.

Will I ever doubt again? Most likely.

Will I ever let it cloud my decisions? Probably.

I just hope never again at risk to my life or in neglect of who I am.



About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It has been a long time…

  1. littleannab says:

    Such a beautiful post. (((Hugs)))

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