Sometimes our instincts are all we have to go on. Following those instincts can and do elicit interesting results. Yesterday’s response to my email was one of these. In the email I sent I revealed my blog and asked him to read it so he would get a better idea of what I have gone through in the past year as well as all the things I posted about my life. I know it would take someone much longer than an hour or two to read my blog and so I have no doubt he did not take the time to read anything other than the last entry I made. This in no way would give anyone any idea of what my life has been like.
Regardless, what I do know is as usual my instincts, though I may not see it at the time, have valid reasons for sending me warnings, cautions and yes even the alarm to run in the opposite direction. I have learned in the past few months the consequences of not paying attention to my instincts. When my instincts are screaming in fear, which is what they were doing since I allowed this man to push me into agreeing to meet with him, not listening to those instincts would have been a huge mistake.
His reaction to my email was interesting. Not only did he not take the time I suggested and read my blog thoroughly and absorb it, his words left me with no doubt that he is not worthy of me. Up until, last night when I found out he had deactivated his profile from the site which he had contacted me from, I had been questioning my own choices. Sometimes my instincts will unbalance me with a sense of fear I don’t really understand because in all of our discussions he appeared everything I ever wanted or dreamed of. This in itself should have set off alarm bells but I don’t always recognize these warning signs. Someone appearing to be too good to be true, often is. I am learning, fear, is how my instincts communicate with me.
Here is what I see so far which had my instincts in alarm. I made it rather blatantly clear written (email) correspondence would be our only way of communication until such a time as I would be comfortable in agreeing to meet in person. This was mentioned more than once in our first communications. He did voice that it was not his preferred method in getting to know someone of which I do respect but until now I didn’t question. It now makes me wonder why is he trying to meet people online? Any cautious person, and these days people should be very cautious about meeting someone online, should spend more than just a couple days in written correspondence with someone before agreeing to meet them in person. However, in just a couple days, after my clearly stating my requirements for only written communication, he gave me his schedule and told me to pick a time when it was convenient to meet, all without asking me if I felt comfortable in doing so. Being submissive I tend to follow and do what is requested of me and I started seriously thinking about meeting him without considering the fact that we had only been talking for a couple days. So here I am with my instincts raising my hackles in fear and making me feel like I need to run and run fast in the opposite direction. When I finally pushed that fear aside and asked myself why, then wrote the email, then analyzed the results of that email from his response, only then did I realize what had happened and why my instincts were setting off my flight or fight response.
His response to my email from yesterday was interesting to say the least. Within it were clear red flags which backed up the subtle warnings my instincts had picked up from his earlier communications. In the few days of correspondence, I have no idea how anyone can say he knew he could love me. However, to be fair, I did recognize some of what he said because I have been there in the past in email correspondence with other men I met online. It is so easy to get carried away when someone first is contacted by someone online. Our minds conjure magnificent things being said between the lines instead of taking those lines at face value. Our hearts race, and adrenaline surges through us, and our imaginations create wonderfully magnificent futures with that person. Not experiencing any of that with this man, at first had me wondering what was wrong with me. Then I thought it is actually better to not experience it because I could then look at this more clearly and objectively. It also helped me to see how I allowed all those feelings in the past to obliterate all the warning signs and overrule my instincts.
In an odd way, I think cancer has caused at subtle shift within myself. I had become worried when I realized I could no longer visualize my future. What I mean to say is my imagination had somehow become mute. I could not create these elaborate fantasies about my life, hoping they would come true, that some man would sweep into my life and rescue me or become that most valuable player that would make me happy and bring joy into my life. I thought maybe I had lost my dreams, that I no longer knew what I wanted or if I even wanted anything any more. What I realize now is cancer has brought me down to earth. It has planted my feet firmly on the ground and made me realize how my fantasies and imagination were not letting me see reality. Looking reality in the face is not easy. It isn’t pretty. It isn’t beautiful. It can be hard. It can be caustic. It can be terrible. But it can also be the opposite of all those things if we so desire but we have to look for it, we have to be willing to see the beautiful flower blooming beside the dead and decomposing tree. We can’t be trying to conjure the fairy sitting upon the petal of the blooming flower so we will not see the decomposing tree that is fertilizing the roots of the flower. If we do that then we are not seeing reality. We are not living in reality.
Questioning my resolve and my rules and my choices in life is something I do on a regular basis. It is a way to reassure myself I am on the right path. It is also a way for me to see more clearly how recent events make me feel and why. Yes, this situation made me question my belief in myself and my ability and desire to build a relationship with a dominant man. However, in retrospect, it has also done one other thing. It has proved to me that any Dom worthy of me has to be able to see through the walls I erect, respect the fear I feel, and be able to see and value my strength as a submissive and not try to blast his way through all my defenses. He has to be willing to take the time to gain not only my trust but my respect as well. In not doing so this man has lost both.
This would be a good place to end this blog but I feel I have more to say. Once I recognized I was submissive many of my choices in life became abundantly clear. I haven’t been very good at making good choices in regards to the men in my life, however I find myself lucky that I did not end up in extremely bad situations worse than what I have experienced. All my life I have put forth challenges to those men in my life and each met the challenge in basically the same way. They didn’t stand firm. They didn’t show any strength. They caved at the first sign of trouble. And so in each case I walked away.
Is the man I need in my life really so rare? Or are my actions attracting the wrong type of men? Are my needs so unusual? Or is it that other women settle for lack of anything better? These are things I ask myself almost daily. Well, except for this past year when building a relationship has been far down my list (though the desire was still there) because my focus had to be directed on my health and just surviving. Regardless of what has happened over the past year, these questions haven’t changed.
It is not surprising to me that this man reacted in the same way as all other men have done in m life. What is disappointing is even though I had told him this past year has been a fight for my life he showed very little to no compassion regarding this and what effect it has had on me. Is it wrong of me to think a Dom should exhibit compassion, and if truly interested in my well-being would be willing to start out just supporting me through written communication trying to understand and slowly building my trust without barreling through like a truck running out of control?
Maybe it is my destiny in life to not meet that man and to experience my life without a strong man to support me and if so then so be it. It isn’t what I desire and it isn’t what I wish for.