G.

I haven’t been able to write poetry since I was diagnosed with cancer. All I have been able to write has been entries in my journal either online here or in my handwritten journal by my bedside. Even my knitting and crocheting and drawing stopped. I knew I would eventually be able to return to all of these things but I wasn’t sure when or what would trigger them. I also was puzzled by why I couldn’t do them. I felt as though the diagnosis of cancer had killed my creativity and I walked around without any enthusiasm for my life. Tonight I received notification of another blogger ‘following’ my blog so I went to the blogger’s site and I read the words under the picture in their heading and then read the two entries they added today. The 2nd being a poem. In the midst of reading the poem I felt something shift within me and I wrote the following immediately following the reading of their poem:

 

 G.
You walk around the outside looking in
Never seeing
Never hearing
Never believing
What was within
You said the words I always wanted to hear
Without depth
Without meaning
Without substance
Until I knew there was nothing within
You looked shocked when I finally revealed who you are
The hollow shell
Hardened inside
Without emotion
A mimic of life
Standing motionless while the world goes by
Tears slid down my face
When I realized what I saw on your face
Nothing but a windowless soul
As you hold our child
In arms always cold.

© Kate Spyder

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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2 Responses to G.

  1. I am in tears. In all honesty, I am not sure why I was not still a follower, unless for some reason I never officially was. I know I used to read your writing constantly and I’ve been very out of the loop. I have clearly missed a lot and need to go back and read the (must be over a year now?) posts I missed. I can only say that you are an amazing writer that has been a true inspiration.
    I fell in love with a man who has NPD. And the thought that you can love someone wholly and have them not care at all – truly not care – has crushed me. I haven’t been able to write for a very long time. It took real heartbreak to get me to feel ENOUGH that the words won’t stop.

    I truly feel for you. I can only wish you all the love and health that can possibly go your way. ❤️

    • Kate Spyder says:

      Thank you, in more ways than one. Not just for reading my posts and following but for your poem which helped create the shift I needed within to begin writing again. We have the capacity to love people no matter how they feel towards us, even after they have hurt us beyond belief when what they have done should have created hatred. The man I wrote about was someone who also could not love and he taught me the true capacity of love is limitless. I am sorry you were hurt so badly. Pain, heartache, love and joy are all a part of life, we either learn to live and learn from them or we become a mass of seething flesh without compassion. I thank you for your wish of love and health, I wish the same for you. I went back and realized my writing actually stopped about a week before my mastectomy when the unknown of my diagnosis was pressing down upon me. Take care, and keep writing.<3 ~Kate

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