Life, belief and choices…

It stands to reason that in our life we will have conflict, love, loss, hate, joy, sadness, happiness, anger, and peace. Of those we have the most of will be determined by our decisions on how we face the world and all it brings to us.

I have often sat wondering why it is I have not met a man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. In the beginning of each relationship I had thought I had found ‘the one’, to only find out later after getting to know him that he wasn’t.

Today I sit here wondering if in fact it was me who wasn’t.

I have been enjoying a long distance conversation with someone in which that person makes me think about my choices in my life and why I made them. The person is not condescending or judgmental. In fact, the person seems genuinely interested in my experiences and why. This has made me not only think about my past but also about my current life and decisions.

I had the opportunity to meet another man and yet in all my feelings of being alone and not wanting to be alone for the rest of my life, I turned him down. I do know part of my decision was due to my inner sense warning me, however the other part of me had other thoughts entirely.

The majority of my life I have been alone, single, independent, could do whatever I wanted, manage my money however I wanted to, buy whatever I wanted and until my daughter was born, I didn’t have to worry about how anyone else would feel about what I did.

I know once I step into a relationship, all of that will change. Especially, if I choose someone interested in a D/s relationship.

Often times we like to think God, or life, or other people have become involved in our lives steering us in directions we later think we did not want to go. Circumstances can appear so out of our control it makes us think we had no decision in what happens. However, we do have choices. We have the choice in how we respond to the obstacles placed in our path. We can either run swiftly around them, pretending they do not exist, or hurtle ourselves over them like they are just a small stone in our path, or we can stand looking at it waiting for it to move out of our way, or we can embrace it, understand it is there to teach us something, empower ourselves to find out what that is, learning to love all its dark shadows and bright light.

Looking back, my path has been filled with both shadows of various darkness and moments of light in its various brightness. Never in my life has anyone taken me and forced me or made a choice for me. Even as a child, living in a home of a domineering father. Sure I had chores I had to do but even then I had a choice of doing them or suffer punishment. I could embrace it all or I could suffer through it.

I’ve had freedoms in my life which other people have envied. Married and single women have looked at me and told me they wished they could be like me. My fierceness in facing the world alone has them seeing me as strong and brave when many times inside I’m as scared as a little rabbit facing the big bad wolf. They often avoid seeing the benefit of having someone by their side facing those fears together. They let the little annoyances get in the way of appreciating life with someone. They see me being able to jump in my car to go where I want, to do what I want without having to tell anyone as a freedom they wish they had without seeing the benefit of having someone who cares or is concerned whether they put themselves in harm’s way.

Invariably, I think we are all where we are meant to be. I’m meant to live this life without a mate, raising my child alone with only a few friends who care and support me when they can. This is where I am meant to be. If I wasn’t then I wouldn’t be here. I am meant to learn from this.

I have heard some beliefs say we are souls looking for our soul mate and we will be forever searching until we find each other. It could take many lifetimes before we do. Each lifetime is meant to teach us more about ourselves, to prepare us for what comes next, or for when we finally meet our soul mate. I don’t know if this is true or not. It is nice to think it might be. However, I had an experience one time that has taught me that my time here is for a reason and until that reason is satisfied then I will remain and I will face what I have to face until it is.

I may never know what that reason is. Or, I may not learn about it until I move on to what is beyond my death here. I am trying to learn to be okay with that. It isn’t easy. It isn’t easy looking at a happy couple and knowing I may never experience that with someone. It isn’t easy thinking I may never be able to send my daughter to college because I’ve lived our whole lives on my single income without child support from her father and therefore I have little to put towards expense for college. It isn’t easy thinking I could leave her with very little other than what I have taught her.

The one thing I hope I have shown her is the depth of love two people can have if they so choose. We’ve had our disagreements. We’ve been angry with each other. We’ve hurt each other. But most of all through all of this we have continued to love each other, care for each other and express our gratitude for having each other in our lives.

I made a wish or prayer one time to have someone in my life who would love me for the rest of their life and who I would love for the rest of my life. I was given my daughter. When I realized this is how my prayer was answered I realized mates can come and go but a child will always love you and a mother will always love their child.

Maybe the reason I’m here is because of my daughter, seeing her grow, guiding her into learning how to live her life. The event I mentioned where I learned I was here for a reason happened years before my daughter was born. I couldn’t fathom then why I had to remain here on this earth when I had nothing here for me. At least not until my daughter was conceived.

The choices I made in life took me down the path to her being conceived even though all my life I never wanted a child, never desired a child, and never set out to have a child. She was conceived while I was on birth control.

The moment I saw confirmation of being pregnant on the home test I took, I knew my life would be forever changed. Not once did I consider not having the child. Not once have I regretted my choice. As I have done in all the things I have faced in my life, I embraced her and took up my responsibility and have done the best I could. She has not once turned away my love for her, nor has she taken it for granted.

I’ve given my love to many people in my life but she is the only one who has shown me true understanding of what that love entails.

And she has not once been willing to live without it.

I can’t say that about anyone else in my life.

 

How many times in our life do we long for the things we think we want, then once we have the opportunity to have them we run from it like our very life is in danger? I don’t know about other people. I can only speak for myself. These past few days I have had to ask myself what it is I really want and desire in my life. Then I have had to ask myself why it is I thought I wanted what I wanted when it really wasn’t what I wanted. The only thing I can come up with is I let others in my life and society convince me these are the things I wanted or should have and if I don’t have them, then I would not truly be happy.

I let myself believe that without the love of a mate or a family would lead me down a life of unhappiness and loneliness when in fact that has not been true. I’ve been unhappy only because I have allowed this belief to overrule my true feelings.

I can and have been solitary in my life without being alone or unhappy.

I have done things in my life I enjoy doing. I’ve done them alone and I’ve done them with people I care about. I’ve been in love and I’ve shared my life, in pieces, in parts and in whole.

The only thing which has kept me from being happy, has been my own thoughts. The belief, those things I desired, were missing, were keeping me from being happy. Even though I have known, not having those things, does not mean the end of the world. I have allowed the absence of them to affect my happiness which isn’t right.

What I have, in fact, is a wonderful life. Yes, it is fraught with pain, and suffering which at times is beyond my control. But loneliness and unhappiness is something I allowed to control me instead of me controlling them. They are within my control. No matter how much I wanted to believe there was nothing I could do about them, I now realize that is not true.

I also realize I have a choice as to allowing society’s belief to rule mine. I can choose to believe that not being married or not having a family will mean I will never be happy or I could choose to be happy no matter if I have a mate or children or a family.

I have also realized learning I am submissive doesn’t mean I will not be happy if I do not have a dominant man in my life. Learning I am submissive has given me insight into my natural response to situations. It doesn’t mean I have to be submissive in every situation. It does however help me understand my first response and allows me the choice in whether to carry out my response in a submissive way or not.

We all have dominant and submissive traits. Some of us have a balance of both, some of us are more dominant or more submissive, but no one is only one or the other and each of us has the ability to take action as one or the other depending upon the situation.

We have choices. I for one am glad I have choices. My choice going forward is to understand what those choices mean for me and make the choices that will bring me closer to who I really am which will ultimately bring me closer to those I love.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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