Warning, long and rambling…

As a submissive, going through the purchasing of a house or townhouse without a Dom to help guide me and support me, it becomes quite stressful. I am left to my own judgement as to who to trust and rely upon to help me. Trusting strangers is not easy and I have to rely upon my instincts.

Speaking of relying upon instincts. It is hard when those instincts cause me to choose to make a choice between someone I don’t know and someone I have met through a friend who is just an acquaintance. Especially when those instincts are indicating to not trust or rely upon the acquaintance. Not only do I possibly hurt this person’s feelings but may also cause a rift between the friend who introduced me to the acquaintance. I however must do what feels right to me and sometimes that means not relying on friends or a friend of a friend.

Today I was able to schedule the home inspection and choose a notary for the completion of the sale. For those who are in the states, Notaries are different here in Canada. They have legal functions such as making out wills, they ensure documents they notarize are understood legally and how they may affect a person, like the power of attorney I once needed. They also make sure property titles are clear when property is being sold or purchased.

Since moving to Canada it has been a slow learning process for me in regards to the differences between the US and Canada systems, whether it is legal things I needed done, medical things or government or financial.

The financial systems here are different. Mortgages in particular are handled differently. They learned a lot from the mistakes that happened in the US which caused people such problems in losing their homes and other investments. I can’t claim to be an expert but I’m glad I’m here investing my money and buying a home than in the US.

Some things may have gotten better in the US but in all honesty it bothers me that people could do what they did without any consequences. We try and teach our kids there are consequences to their actions and yet all over the news a person can find situations where a lot of people were hurt and now suffering from the results of bad financial management and those people have gotten away scott free. Just doesn’t make sense to me. Would I want to put my trust in such an institution? I don’t think so.

I’m going to go off topic for a moment. I follow another blog in which the discussion was about freedom of speech. I have to admit that all involved in the comment exchange were exercising their right to freedom of speech and yet when I finished reading all the comments all I could think was “Wow, just Wow.” I wonder what happened to the idea in which a lot of mothers have tried to teach their kids, “if you don’t have something nice to say then don’t say anything” or something to that affect.

Most of the exchange was about taking offense at something someone says. In general, I think most people try not to offend people but in a large enough audience a person could just say ‘the sky is blue’ and at least one person might take offense even though the subject is benign. In this person’s opinion, in their location the sky may not be blue but covered in grey clouds and it might exist that way for the majority of this person’s existence. The speaker may never know this and thus inadvertently offend someone.

We can never, no matter how hard we try, never be able to completely and always say things that will never offend another person. As a submissive I know this without having to think too much about it because no matter how hard I try to please those around me, not everyone will agree that my actions are pleasing.

This is life. This is being human. If we were all the same, if we all thought the same, if we all reacted the same, if we all believed the same, then we would be forever looking in a mirror at ourselves. Would we like what we saw? Would we be pleased with who we are? Or would we still find some offense if someone told us we are no different than the person next to us? Even identical twins are different. I rejoice in this. I may shake my head at something someone says in which I do not agree wondering how they could think such a thing. I might even for a bit think they are stupid but I would never say that to their face. If I am lucky I will reconsider those thoughts and realize I may not understand because I have not lived that person’s life and even if I had my brain and thoughts do not work the same way as theirs. The best we can do is try and understand with the minimal bit of information we have and be charitable and kind, talk by sharing our own experiences without being judgmental.

I applaud those who spoke their minds. It doesn’t mean I agree with one side or the other, or that I support any of what was being said. It just means I applaud their willingness to speak freely of their feelings. Be kind is all I ask. Be not judgmental. But most of all, don’t try to tell someone what they are or are not doing, what they mean by their words or do not mean. Everyone interprets what others say differently. We interpret what people say by what we have experienced in life. And without having that exact same experience we can never truly understand what one says or why they say it. You can try with all your might to try and understand, you might believe you have completely interpreted their words in exactly how the speaker intends them to be taken but in all honesty no one completely understands because they do not contain the same history as the person speaking.

Today, the sky maybe blue directly above my head, but next door the sky might be grey above their head. If I say the sky is blue, my neighbor may think I mean the sky is blue above them and not that it is just blue above me. Therefore they may consider me a liar because when they look above and see a grey sky they do not consider that I am only describing the sky above my head. Or they may take offense because I have not considered that their sky might not be the same as my sky and therefore they may think I consider where they are to be of lesser importance, when in fact all I’m saying is the sky above my head is blue and mean nothing more than that.

What do I do when I feel offended by something someone says? Someone asked a similar question in the comment thread I was reading to one of the other commenters. The interesting thing was instead of just asking the question and waiting for an answer they moved on to assume the other commenter might come back with a certain answer and they tried to waylay that comment before it ever had a chance of airing. Which in turn made the other commenter focus on this fact and not what this person actually felt or what they would do. Did they really want to know?

I have often been told I am not like other people. For one I keep my thoughts to myself most of the time. This blog however gives me the freedom to say what I think and it gives me the ability to do so without being interrupted. I often find myself interrupted by people when I’m trying to make a point, in which the interruption keeps me from completing whatever it is I wanted to say. This is something which over time has become something I take offense to. And at times I’ve stepped up and told the person who was interrupting to please let me finish what I was saying. The offense was not really intended, they just wanted to express their thoughts in which my words had stirred not realizing how their interruption made me feel. If it happens enough I may become angry. However, in most cases when someone says something which offends me or doesn’t set well with me, I do not argue the point. I do not bring up the fact that what they said offended me. I do however take a look at them and realize they are different from me and may not understand how what they said could hurt me. I look at them and realize their history is different from mine and maybe one day if I am given the chance to know them better I can maybe one day come to understand just a little bit of why they would say what they did.

It isn’t for me to try and convince them they are wrong. It isn’t for me to try and make them see reason. It isn’t for me to try and change them to make them see my point of view. Nothing I do or say can make that happen especially if they are not willing to change their own perspective. They have to be willing to change. They have to want to try and understand. They have to want to see things from a different perspective.

I once had someone ask me if I was a born again christian. When I said yes, they began to challenge me by asking me direct questions in my belief. This was another born again christian who could not take my simple answer as fact. Instead, I felt as though I had been sat down in an interrogation room, with a spotlight on my face and a recorder recording everything I said so my words could be used against me in front of God almighty as if I were a traitor to the cause. Was I offended? Yes. Did I challenge him? No. Did I berate him for his actions? No. Was I angry? For a time. Then later, I felt sad for him because two people of the same belief were unable to sit down and just be friends accepting of each other. And then I realized I knew nothing about him or why he responded in such a way. I hoped one day to understand why.

It is hard to set aside differences, but if we all would look at each other and understand everyone is different, that no one is exactly the same as anyone else, I would hope this would make it easier to be accepting and even celebrate our differences. If we would assume we don’t completely understand what another person says, that we could somehow be at fault because our own history helps to discolor our understanding of another person’s words, I would hope this would help us to be kind and compassionate and not as easily offended and more apt to raise a question which would help us to better understand.

I don’t pretend to understand what another person tells me anymore, at least not on something important without repeating back what they have said with my understanding added. All too often I have found they needed to clarify something which clears up or points me closer to what they meant in their words.

I know often in writing a post on my blog that others will interpret it differently than what I intended. This is the risk of a one way communications such as this. In my transactions of late with purchasing a home, I have had to be extra careful. In this it is so easy to not interpret words correctly.

As a submissive, I often see others as dominant and this causes misunderstandings or actions on my part to be taken as though I am knowledgeable when in fact I am not but am following suggestions made as if they are commands made by someone with my best interest in mind when in fact they may never have meant their suggestion to be taken that way at all by me.

I have no doubt many subs respond in a similar way and is why many of us will end up in situations others find quite difficult to understand. Why we would allow ourselves to end up there is quite often asked and not understood. Again this goes into that area of experiencing something from another person’s perspective. If a person is not submissive then they find this very difficult to understand. Even if they were submissive, not all submissives are equal in that some are more submissive than others and some submissive’s backgrounds are so vastly different, that one who is raised submissive will response completely different than another who may have the personality of a submissive but was raised to be independent and how to be comfortable in being in control. While others who are not submissive may only see all submissives as being the same and thus expect them to act and respond the same.

I can’t begin to understand why someone I know, instead of trying to show me what the company she works for can do for me, would sit and tell me all the negative things which can happen if I go with a different company. My first thought is that she has not learned how to communicate effectively with a customer to win that customer’s respect and confidence in what the company can do. I could sit here and find all kinds of explanations for why she spoke as she did not just in this situation but in years ago when she first approached me to take me on as a client.

This isn’t about me being judgmental but rather trying to interpret what she has told me into useful information that would help me in what I need and how her company can help. All too often I am left with needing to rely on my instincts which seem to run on a deeper level than just words, or even actions of an individual. There seems to be deeper communication which goes on between people and yes even the universe.

What ever happened to ‘if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all’? Our words reflect on who we are inside. It is as simple as that. I often tell my daughter to be careful what she says but I often forget to remind her that what she says will reflect on who she is and what she wants others to understand about her. Yes, we can’t always control how others will perceive our words but we can make sure our actions and our words back each other up. When they don’t is when others will begin to understand they cannot trust us or what we represent.

The best way for others to get to know us, and to understand our words and what they mean is by backing those words up with actions that support the words we speak. If we want others to be won over to our way of thinking or our beliefs then we must live our lives in a way which supports our thoughts and beliefs. I walked away from many churches because of what I consider doublespeak. Do as I say, not as I do, mentality. If you do not live by the words you speak then how can you ever convince anyone to change or be accepting or compassionate?

The hardest part in my life was trying to understand who I was inside. This was due to so many people trying to tell me who I should be. I spent my whole life trying to be what they thought I should be without understanding who I was inside, even when the voices in my head questioned the very actions of the people who were trying to tell me how to live my life. I was so convinced they were right that I turned a blind eye towards the obvious contradictions in their words and actions. Breaking through the brainwashing that occurs when children are raised this way is the hardest thing for anyone to do. In my case it showed up in my adult years as depression. Depression that never went away until I saw it for what it was. Me suppressing my true self.

I still find myself automatically falling back into trying to live my life as others expect me to live, as society believes we should live. It maybe natural for Jane and Doug down the street to have a monogamous marriage with 2.5 children following in what society condones or supports. This may support and fulfill their true natures while at the other end of the street, Mark and Gwen, may really want to welcome another woman into their home to live in a poly relationship but because society and laws deem this unacceptable they live in an unfulfilled relationship because they have allowed society, possibly even family and friends deciding what is right for them.

I have yet to really know what fulfills my true self. I am working towards learning more by following my instincts. Up until a week or two ago, buying a house had been put on hold, or at best kept at a low crawl by my instincts in refusing to make any firm commitments. For some reason, all the stops, all the hesitation suddenly disappeared. Somewhere in the deeper communication which occurs in our universe my instincts understood that until just a couple weeks ago, the timing was not right for me in buying a house. The interest rate though it was low the past couple of years was not as low as it is now. The housing market was still high in regards to cost of homes and places which sold a year or more ago that was identical to what I’m purchasing now, sold at a higher price, possibly outside of my budget. Then too it would have been much more difficult to go through this past year if I had lived somewhere else. Having a friend living upstairs from me gave me a sense of security that living in a townhouse further away would not have provided. Following my instincts, I feel, is the way to learn more about what fulfills me and where my true path lies than trying to force myself to live a life that others think I should be living.

I am not in this world or in this life to be shaped and molded by other people. I am not here to be conformed into what society believes I should be. I am hear to learn who I really am, how I can grow as an individual to support and nurture my true self. I am also here to help guide my daughter to do the same.

The part which bothered me the most about the chain of comments on this other blog I mentioned earlier is the impression I got of each trying to tell the other what they meant. In other words, commenter1 was telling commenter2 what commenter2 meant by commenter2’s words, instead of asking commenter2. The same was happening from commenter2 to commenter1. Neither of them stopped to ask if they understood what was being said or to clarify what was being said. And the comments flew back and forth, back and forth, like a tennis ball being lobbed back and forth across the court. I by no means mean to imply their words and actions were wrong. I am not here to judge what they do. All I know is I stepped away from the comments disappointed in how they presented themselves. It may lead me to not follow the blog any more.

I am not a pragmatist, or that is what I was going to say, until I looked the term up. I am a pragmatist. Emotion rarely distracts me. I am logical to a fault at times. When I want something, I research and I find out what it will take to get what I want and then I work towards that goal. I don’t like being distracted by elements which bear no resemblance to who I am and how I perceive my world and what I want within it. The commenters became a distraction. They caused me to detour from my original post and go way off topic with what I wanted to discuss but in doing so I learned something about myself.

I have always known, I do not like discord. I like peace and quiet. I like energy which is fun and joyous. I like teasing which is pleasing and fun and flirty and nice and can make myself and those around me laugh. I like being with someone who can help me let go of the negative feelings I have so we can move on to things which are fun and happy. I like knowing I can simply say how I feel about something, exchange information if we agree or disagree and then move on, knowing we both understand we don’t have to convince each other to our way of thinking and that we can still be friends, lovers, confidants, or whatever we are to each other and still be happy to be in each other’s presence.

I have the choice to either continue to follow this blog, or not. I alone have that choice. Where I once saw a benefit, a place to gather knowledge, I now find it a distraction full of discord and unwelcome. It is sad for it had so much more potential. But on the other hand, I have found another source of possible knowledge. Where one door closes another one opens.

My time here at my current residence has taught me a lot in what I mentioned above in my need for peace and quiet. But it has also taught me I can still be happy in another’s presence when we don’t agree.

I am sorry this particular journal entry in my blog has become so long and seems to be full of my rambling. There was a need for it, at least for me, for a part of me has become known and understood by me. In my book, that means it was all worth it even if anyone who reads this thinks I full of shit.

*smiles at all those who got this far before turning out the light and moving on to something else*

Thank you for reading this far. Leave a comment if you like and if not that is okay as well. I’ll always have something to say even if those who follow are not interested. Feel no shame if you haven’t read this far and if you did, what you have no life? hahahaha Or were you hoping for something juicier?


About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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