I have a feeling…
No don’t get me wrong. I feel often. Feeling something is not new. Knowing I have a feeling is nothing new. Saying I have a feeling… well… that can be new.
I wish many times this blog was more than just a one-way communication. I enjoy in-depth conversations with people in which we grow over time to get to know one another, ask deep questions we genuinely have an interest in hearing the answers to, especially if we do so freely, without judgement, and have a genuine interest in who each other are and how we got to where we are.
Having such a conversation with a man is very interesting. Men are not unknown to me, in the sense that I feel at times I do understand them on a certain level. I grew up with three brothers, two older and one younger. Their actions were not really a mystery. I grew up a tomboy. I enjoyed doing most of what they do. I enjoy some of the same things. But I have always known men tend to not speak about their feelings.
Women on the other hand are mysterious in other ways. They may talk about their feelings but their actions seem mysterious to me, with no sister and only one or two girls as friends growing up, I found I related more to men than I did women.
Many men I dated found me a mystery because I did not conform to the typical image they have of a woman and what to expect. I didn’t burst into tears every time we had a disagreement. I didn’t use tears to get what I wanted. I also didn’t become jealous every time I saw them around another woman, or they took off with their guy friends for a night out. (Don’t be offended ladies I don’t think all women are like this, only that this is the perception the men I was involved with had of women.) I, however, did get perturbed at the men if they exhibited jealousy when I went out with my girl friends or they saw me talking to a friend who happened to be male. I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. This I found has led others to believe I do not feel. I do not care. Or, I do not love them.
I have a feeling…
I sometimes cry when I’m scared.
I feel many of the emotions of others, including anger but jealousy is not one I feel.
I feel envy. Envy for what others can do which I might not be able to do or find very difficult to do or cannot do at the skill level I would like in which another person exhibits so easily.
I feel loss.
I feel emptiness.
I feel afraid.
I feel joy.
I feel happiness.
It is just I may not exhibit them externally as much as others do.
Then too, I have a feeling…
I have a feeling of hesitation and so I hesitate in whatever it is… I don’t always know why, but invariably I will understand why later maybe after the feeling of hesitation is gone.
I felt hesitation in buying a house last year, two years ago, even three years ago when I first started considering it. That hesitation is now gone.
I have my suspicions.
One of those suspicions is
-it was not yet time due to needing to build more financial history,
-build more funds into savings,
-the mortgage rate needed to lower some more,
-and the cost of housing needed to lower a bit so I could get what we really wanted,
-and I had a medical problem I needed to take care of.
All of these are part of it, however, I think there is an even bigger part.
Communication with others is essential, not just to fulfill our need to interact with others but because communication can be a tool in helping us to understand more about ourselves. If I do not have such an exchange as I mentioned earlier with someone, then it takes me a long time to come to understand some things about myself. In some cases I may never find things out if there is no such communication going on. In-depth discussions help me to dig in even deeper and break down walls that keep me from being willing to admit certain things about myself.
A recent discussion has helped me to see that I have held back on living, on enjoying life. I used the excuse of waiting to find someone to build a life with. I used the excuse of waiting for a certain dream to come true and that dream would come true when it was time. I thought if I went on with my life then I would miss out on that dream. It would be forgotten or I would pass it by.
My daughter once told me she wished dreams would really come true. I told her they do but you have to work towards them. She said no, I wish the magical ones would happen. Out of the mouth of babes… I told her yes it would be nice wouldn’t it.
Looking back I realized much of my hesitation in buying a house was because I had hoped I would find a man to build a relationship with and we could then build a home together. In realizing this, I knew I could no longer put my life on hold for something that might be or might never be. If it does, then together we can determine what we want to do going forward. But until that happens I need to live my life, create a home for me and my daughter we will enjoy. I believe this above all else is why the barrier suddenly disappeared and in a week and a half I was able to find the very home my daughter and I wanted in which we only had to compromise on a couple of things. One of which in the next year can be remedied.
If I had not had an in-depth conversation with a friend about my desires in life, I would still be on hold… I would still be hesitant about buying a house… I would still not be living my life or enjoying life…
I often find myself procrastinating about things, cleaning house, washing dishes, cooking a healthy meal, going shopping for clothes, shoes, a prosthesis to balance my appearance in public, taking walks, or exercising, so on and so forth. I procrastinate a lot on the things that have the potential to make me feel better about myself. I wonder why this is? Do I not want to feel good? Or is it I’m afraid because it also has the potential to make me feel worse about myself? If I clean the house what if I am disappointed in the result? Will others also be disappointed? My past history as a child doing chores taught me this would be the case. How do I get past that? In order to avoid those feelings I avoid cleaning house. In the end, I feel it anyway. And I feel it each time I look around my house. It is a circular psychological sabotage I do to myself that makes no sense but is very difficult to stop.
I would love to hear from others, if they do similar things to themselves and if anyone has learned how to get themselves out of this somewhat destructive behaviour.
I want to change this behaviour. From my perspective the only thing I can do is to take one thing at a time. Do it. Then sit down and write about how it made me feel, before, during and after. To take the time and really acknowledge the feelings I have when I complete a task, especially if it makes me feel good. And maybe acknowledging it everyday for several days after. If there isn’t someone here to give me positive feedback, telling me I was a good girl, or other uplifting remarks or actions, then I have to provide that for myself.
Someone once asked me what the appeal was to D/s or to a relationship with a Dom. I would have to say, having the feedback, especially positive feedback in doing something well, or being good at something I did, or providing something to satisfy a need. The most difficult thing about being a single mother is not receiving such feedback, and I have to pull it from my environment in what I see. The problem is I rarely do that. I go on without acknowledging the good things I did.
As a child, I did not have positive feedback, consequently I did not learn to provide it in return. I have to make an effort at it and in watching my child, I feel I have not done as well for her in this regard. I thank her for doing things but I forget to tell her how well she did them. This I hope to change and to remember it isn’t just about my daughter but also about my friends and family and yes even about myself
How have you learned things which were not taught to you as a child? What motivated you to want to change and learn?
If you are a writer, do you write because of communication lacking to the depths you want to communicate? Or do you write for other reasons? I started writing short obscure poetry just to release emotions that had grown too strong and powerful to hold inside anymore. I continue to write in order to help me think about things in more depth as well as release emotions and because of how good it makes me feel afterwards.