Control, Dominance, Submission and The River of Life

I was going to write this in response to a comment on my post, but instead I decided to make it a post which is probably a good thing since it ended up so long.

Every time I think about the strata, I think “I don’t want them or anyone having such control over me.” Then my mind does this whiplash mental jerk from my alter-ego saying ‘but what about your claim of being submissive, what would a Dom think if you told him that? Wouldn’t he question your submissive nature and possibly think you aren’t submissive at all?”

I tell myself the control a strata will have is completely different from the control a Dom would have. In fact, since my cancer, which damn near had me bent over double under the control of something I couldn’t see and feared for my life, I feel as though I’m balking at every instance where I perceive someone is in control. I want the house because it will be something tangible I have control over besides being an investment and a place to live. The suite I rent, the environment I have here, is not and never has been within my control though I often allow my imagination to give me the impression it is.

I want to blame the after effects of having cancer on my giving up on finding a Dominant man but I think it is more than that. I think I doubt my ability to really be submissive even though I do see many of my actions as being submissive. After studying about D/s, and reading different blogs written by submissives and Dominants, I started seeing those good qualities in my boss at work. But more and more, he is pulled away from his involvement with the work I do, and I feel his absence. And so inside I have these feelings which are at war between the desire of a Dominant man in my life and the desire to have everything within my control.

My experience with cancer, and now going through the process to purchase a townhouse and learning about a strata, seems to be bringing these thoughts to the surface demanding I look at them more closely.

It is very difficult to know what a person can really live with if they have not actually experienced those things. In asking myself or in considering what I want to make a part of my lifestyle, not having experienced what I’m considering is like walking a tightrope.  Saying ‘yes’ to someone if being asked if I want a spanking is one thing, imagining what it might be like and thinking I would enjoy it, when I never experienced it. How I respond to an actual spanking is so very different from how I imagined it would be. Then too it depends upon the person giving me the spanking and how I feel about them and how they respond as well.

I experienced a spanking only once in my adult life. Even then I feel it was not enough to know for sure if I would want to experience it on a regular basis. It takes more than just dipping one’s big toe into the water one time to know for sure if the water temperature is too cold for a complete submersion of our entire body. You might think you know the temperature is fine but you won’t know for sure until you submerge your body completely. Over time, a small toe dipping followed by a submersion on a repeated basis will eventually help you gage the toe dip better but even so life has a way of throwing a cold current into the water to surprise us.

Having no experience with a strata, and not having spoken with anyone from the strata, I have no idea how I will respond to the control they would have. Until I experience such, my imagination can come up with all sorts of scenarios most of them being beyond what I would find acceptable. The same goes when I imagine a life with a Dom… lol

I am logical, some say, logical to a fault. This means I think and consider all sides of a situation. I could find buying into this strata would be the perfect beginning for us in purchasing a house. I can also see how I could have a very positive influence on the strata and its bylaws by revealing to them the flaws I see from the perspective of a new buyer who has no knowledge or experience of stratas. I can also see the extreme opposite where it would be nothing but a huge headache making me hate living there within a very short time of buying into it. I can also see it all falling somewhere in the middle of the two, which would probably be most likely the case.

Then I consider how I would feel about a single family home and being responsible for everything and having complete control, as well as having a yard for our pets and my daughter and her friends to play in.

I have to admit the last of these is what gives me a feeling of greater peace and joy.

So, I must weigh the options against my needs. I can purchase the townhouse now whereas I will have to wait at least a year to build up the down payment I would need for a single family home. That year will mean pulling in the budget strings, tightening the belt so to speak. It will also mean I will have to continue living in my current environment. Am I willing to do this? Will that year wear on me and make living here miserable? Would it be worse than living in a townhouse under strata control for five or ten years?

When I decided in 2009 to move from Montreal to here in BC, I knew it would take a year to get to the point where I could do it. That year was difficult, mostly because of the problems it caused my daughter. Otherwise the waiting was bearable for me but wore on me physically because of the stress living in Montreal caused us both. I never regretted it, nor do I feel it was not worth it. In fact, I feel that year was well worth it because where I am now is so much better in all ways. I do tend to forget that when I look at some of the things which cause me angst here. None of it is anywhere near what I experienced in Montreal.

I have to remind myself of the good things I have here now, like a family doctor, which I never had in Montreal because their medical system is so overwhelmed finding a family doctor is near impossible. The school my daughter goes to here is so much better for her. She hated school in Montreal, and loves it here and has so many more friends. There are many other things but those are the major ones which immediately come to mind.

During that year, I had to tighten the belt as well to ensure I had the funds to make such a long distance move. Today, the physical distance is not the issue but the dollar amount is still the same but in this case it would be saving for an investment, one which I think will be a far better investment than a townhouse. I keep wondering which one has a greater increase in value over time, a townhouse or a single family home, when the housing market stops declining or sitting at its current resting place and begins to rise again. I will need to ask. My logical mind tells me a single family home will retain its value and increase its value more so than a townhouse which is strata controlled.

A strata can make or break the value of their homes. If a strata is poorly managed, selling a home in that strata, I think, would be difficult and cause the value of those homes to decline especially if the management declines or is already poorly run. This is another reason I want to be sure I’m making a sound investment and not an investment where something is beyond my control in maintaining the value of the invested property.

Again, I desire that control.

I often wonder if the right Dom would come into my life, whether I really would be able to give him the gift of my submission and allow him control of the various things he desires to control. I would like to think I could and that it would give me great pleasure in doing so, but until that day comes I have to be the Dominant in my life in that I make the choices and determine which path is right for me and my daughter. My logical mind plays a huge part in this by looking at all the possibilities while my creative mind is able to visualize the scenarios each possibility could create. I have faith in my choices when I not only look at all these possibilities but also allow my instincts to guide me.

I know there are things in life we have no control over, however of those things we can have control over, that is what I choose not to give up. Sharing that control with someone is very desirable. Working together to make a life that is both enjoyable, pleasurable, inspiring, respectful and what we both or all want is what I work towards achieving. I do this by including my daughter in my decisions. I have done this in the past with whoever is in my life at the time.

I have had parents, teachers, doctors, friends, in other words, many people exclaim how mature my daughter is at the age of twelve, both physically and mentally. They often express themselves with surprise or shock or disbelief when they find out she is twelve years old. My response to them is always the same. From the time she was born I have treated her as an intelligent being. I have never treated her as someone who could not understand. I have always spoken to her with respect, explained everything to her, and never sheltered her from anything or kept things from her. I include her in decisions I am making which involve her. I ask her opinion and value her opinion.

The one time I did not include her in a decision or talk with er about it first was when my friend and I on the spur of the moment decided to have our kids given the flu vaccine. This is because my friend has a compromised immune system and our kids would be around each other almost all the time. I was out just having completed an appointment when my friend called me. It was such a spur of the moment thing she asked if she should bring my daughter with her and I told her yes, but to let me tell her what was happening. My friend didn’t do that, she told her. When my daughter met me at the pharmacy she was furious with me because I had not discussed this with her like I have done all other things in her life. I told her I was going to when she got there but unfortunately it didn’t happen that way. I don’t blame her for being angry with me. I would have been too if it had been me, so we worked it out and I promised her it would never happen again. This is just one small example of how we are together, how we want our lives to be, always, with just the two of us or if someone else should join our family.

This may sound strange but this is also how we want things to be with our new home. We don’t want conflict. We don’t want someone who does not have an invested interest in our home trying to dictate what we can and cannot do.We also don’t want someone stifling our creativity in how we want our home to appear or to become a part of our visual landscape.

The same goes with any Dominant knocking on our door or friends or family.  We welcome all who are willing to live harmoniously with us, respecting who we are and what we are trying to achieve. Whether it is to feed my submissive or to encourage the Dominant, or to share equally in both and all things.

I see life as a river. We don’t need anyone trying to build a dam to stop the flow of the river. We’ll always have rocks/obstacles to learn how to deal with, either to flow around them, or flow against them hard enough to erode them or to carry them with us until it is time to let them go or in some cases we may find them becoming a part of our lives, altering us in ways we could never foresee or we alter them in ways they never expected.

Someday my daughter and I will have the home we desire, but until then we will continue to flow upon life’s path, learning, loving and finding joy.

Advertisements

About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Control, Dominance, Submission and The River of Life

  1. BallsyBilly says:

    It seems like you have answered your own questions as far as the strata vs house is concerned. Good for you 🙂
    Treating your daughter like you do is awesome.You and your daughter are lucky to have one another.
    As for being a sub, maybe what you want is to be submissive in the bedroom and at least equal out of it.
    There are all kinds of aspects of the D/s relationships.
    Perhaps you would like to be a switch ?

    • Kate Spyder says:

      I’m not sure. I know a couple can create whatever works for them which is what makes this all so very interesting. I do know in daily life, I want to be guided, not governed or commanded, in the bedroom I feel unfulfilled if the man is passive and not in command. Maybe what I need is someone who enjoys exploring and finding out just what it is that makes me tick, or moan, or scream in ecstasy. 😉

      • BallsyBilly says:

        I think perhaps you would make a very good submissive in the bedroom.
        Perhaps outside the bedroom not so much.
        Equals on the outside.

      • Kate Spyder says:

        You maybe right, or I may find differently with someone I can honestly put my complete trust in. Especially if he shows me he makes sound decisions which take both our needs and desires into consideration. But discussion is always a requirement otherwise he would not know what those needs and desires are. I still see this as equals which may mean my definition of equals is a bit skewed from the mainstream idea of being equal. Two plus two is still four, even if one set of twos is submissive while the other set of twos is dominant… 😉

      • BallsyBilly says:

        There a very fine line between guided and commanded. A Dom guides his sub but also command her/him do act. Such as undress for me now…

      • Kate Spyder says:

        okay… I’m undressed… now what? 😉

      • BallsyBilly says:

        Stand with legs spread while I look and touch.
        Be careful kitten don’t play with tiger..lol.. 🙂
        Women who tease end up over a mans knees. 🙂

      • Kate Spyder says:

        Tiger you say? Where is that big boy? I’ve got a special treat for him. *grin*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s