Learning my lesson…

Things are changing. Where they will take me is a mystery. But that is the fun part, right?

I don’t want to jinx everything by extolling all the changes I am experiencing and the possibilities those changes are creating. Maybe someday I will expound upon them, but not right now.

Just know, I am happy. I am enjoying life right now. Even the challenge of buying a home has my insides jumping for joy instead of quaking in my boots.

Why is it I fear I will make a wrong decision? Why is it I fight against the flow of life? Why is it I hold back instead of taking a deep breath and plunging into the waters of life, like I would so fearlessly do as a child when I would follow my brothers into the deep end of the swimming pool?

Why is it I didn’t realize all this waiting was putting my life on hold for something I never knew would happen or I had no control over making happen?

Why is it the moment I let go and stop waiting, stop trying to force life to give me what I want, the very thing I want lands into my lap? Okay, not quite my lap literally, but possibly figuratively.

Why is it I feel like this saying, “Nothing in life worth having comes easy” is just an excuse someone made up to make them feel better and to give them an excuse for failing to achieve something they wanted most in their life? Or an excuse as to why they didn’t appreciate the things they have? “Oh but to get that is so hard, you have to work really hard at it or you’ll never appreciate it when you do have it!” Why do I feel like saying that is such a crock of bullshit?

All my life I have worked hard. I’ve tried hard to build relationships and yet here I am alone, just me and my daughter. The relationship I have with her is easy. I did not have to work hard to achieve it and yet I appreciate it every single day.

I don’t think anything we really need in life was meant for us to have to work hard at to get. I think the reason it becomes difficult is because we don’t know what it is we really need, want or desire. Or if we do know, we are fighting against the true path which will take us to that very thing we need, want or desire.

I’ve been doing this for much of my life. I’ve been trying to force a square peg into a round hole, instead of trying to find the round peg that belongs there.

It is an interesting thing to realize. I could whine and complain that I have wasted much of my life for nothing but in reality I know I have learned something of value. Can I utilize it? Can I remember it and continue to practice it for the rest of my life? I would hope the answer is ‘yes’. I may forget. I may lose my way from time to time but the universe in all its wisdom in its desire for balance will ensure I am reminded. Whether I pay attention could end up being another story.

We tend to ignore the signs which are waving at us to pay attention, sometimes as close as right in front of our faces. Why do we not want to believe there are greater forces at work here in our universe that are meant to guide us and help us towards being a better person, a more fulfilled human being, or an entity which is evolving and in need of that guidance?

It doesn’t matter whether that guiding force is God, Allah, the Universe, the Goddess Aphrodite, Mother Earth, Father Moon or any number of supreme beings all our various cultures believe in. All that matters is what we do with what is being shown to us, whether it is in the transactions we have with other people, or other cultures, other species, other worlds, or the car wreck or train wreck in front of us, or the traffic jam we find ourselves sitting in the midst of on our rush towards work or an appointment or just to visit with a friend and we feel the anger or impatience start to build inside of us. Maybe that moment is there to remind us to take a breath, look and appreciate the blossoming flower along the roadside where we have come to a halt in traffic, or maybe it is to remind us to be patient and understanding, or that life happens in its time, not in the time you think it should.

Pregnant mothers learn this and then sometimes forget it after they have the baby. Even just the effort to get pregnant is a reminder that life happens according to its own clock and we humans cannot dictate when that will happen. We can try. We can use artificial insemination to try and make it happen but even then we are at the whim of the universe, or God or whatever Supreme Being we believe in.

Why would this not be the case for the smaller things in life? For the timing for buying a house, or finally meeting the man or woman of your dreams, your soul mate, or whoever or whatever it is you feel is most important to you?

Why is it we feel we must make everything happen when we want it to happen instead of letting it happen in its own good time? Do we feel we will miss out on it? Do we feel we will not appreciate it if it just lands in our laps instead of working hard, pulling our hair out in the frustration of it, or beating ourselves up because it isn’t happening the way we think it should?

What is it that makes us really appreciate the things we have and get in this life? I don’t think it has anything to do with just how hard we work to achieve it.

I think it has to do with just how highly we value what it is we receive. If you do not give it high value then you will not treat it as something of value. You will abuse it, neglect it, waste it, and eventually forget about it.

Working hard to achieve something is not what puts value on something or someone. Value comes from how important we feel that something or someone is to us. That value can make us work hard to keep it and care for it and appreciate it.

I love my daughter. She is the most important thing or person in my life. I don’t even value myself above her. I cherish her. I respect her. I value her, not just as my daughter but as a human being who has chosen to love me and live with me. Every day she makes that choice. I know she could choose to walk away and never come back if she so had the desire to do so but she doesn’t. We choose to be together every day. I work hard to take care of her, to make sure her needs are taken care of, to make sure she is happy if I can help her be so. I do this because I value her, I appreciate her and I love her.

I don’t do it because I had to work hard to get her because I didn’t have to. She came to me as a surprise, as a gift. I don’t appreciate her more because of the work I do to take care of her. I appreciate her because she is who she is.

I have learned, my life becomes easy and joyful, if I stay the course which I am directed towards. Things come easy to me, those things I need in my life, because the path I am directed towards will provide them for me without much effort. It is up to me as to how much I value those things provided and how much I choose to appreciate them.

When I steer from the path, when I try to hack out my own path to get the things I need most, when I try to make it happen in my way, in my time, invariably it never happens, and I find my efforts have been for not, and my life is filled with frustrations, angst, and unappreciated things and people. It becomes difficult and harsh, unhappy and generally just depressing.

I’ve learned my lesson. I just hope it sticks.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
This entry was posted in A Submissive's Journey, Journal and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Learning my lesson…

  1. BallsyBilly says:

    If I have not already told, you are a very prolific writer. Don’t stop writing.
    Being happy right now is a great thing.
    Things will happen, as you say, when they happen.
    You daughter was a gift. Hold on tight and don’t let go.
    Of course, they all most someday leave the nest. But until then…

    • Kate Spyder says:

      She tells me she will never leave me, she doesn’t want me living alone. I know that could change as she gets older but I love her for it and her sincerity in it.

      I don’t think I could stop writing even if I tried. Things might get in the way or distract me from it like the cancer did but I still wrote even if it was only journaling. Oh my that sounds like I consider journaling as not important or not real writing. I don’t believe that at all, especially since it is what kept me sane through this past year. I consider happiness a gift, and I’m grateful for it, especially now.

  2. Mr Modigliani says:

    Reblogged this on Mr. Modigliani's Private Studio and commented:
    I love what Kate has to say about her life’s journey

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