I’m not a hard person to get along with. I’m not really. There are, however, standards or rules which are required when anyone expresses a desire to become my friend or even more.
The first rule, is never lie to me. If you lie, then you better have a damn good reason and be able to admit to it and explain yourself and don’t act shocked when the lie is discovered or try and make it look like it is all in my imagination.
The second rule, you must be willing to share. I don’t mean share your toys. Or share your toothpaste, or share you literary genius. What I mean is you must be able to share your ‘self’, the person you are deep inside, your fears, your joys, your heartaches, whatever it is that has made the person you are today.
Now, I know, for many people, there can be quite a difference in perspective in what each of these mean. For some, not saying something is not a lie. For others, it is a lie of omission which is just as bad as lying out right about something you did or did not do. Even white lies for some are not considered lies but for me a lie is a lie whether it is a white lie or an omission. If it is omitted then the intent was for me to not know for whatever reason that might be. Depending on what that reason is will depend on just how much hurt it will cause. For instance, omitting the fact that you are diverting my attention so friends can surprise me for a birthday party can be acceptable, while diverting my attention from a situation in which a chance meeting could have me meeting your lover is not acceptable and would be grounds for my departure. If this is someone’s normal behavior, I leave, I am not there to make the person change. If it is unacceptable behavior then I accept the loss and move on.
Not sharing can also fall into the category of lying, of omitting something especially if it has a direct baring on what we are trying to achieve. Especially if I am the only one sharing. Especially if I have expressed my concern over our conversations being just one way. Especially if I find out there was something significant that I felt should have been shared and wasn’t after directly asking if there was anything you wanted to share.
I don’t think these are complicated or difficult or challenging in any way. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I ask too much. Maybe some people just are not able to communicate on this deeper level which I find so stimulating. If so, I don’t understand why they don’t admit to it and cut their losses and move on. I would understand if they did. I’m not perfect and I know I cannot meet other people on their level at times and I do talk to them about it. I do move on if it isn’t something I can do. I have limitations just as everyone else does. Why they do not admit to it baffles me or leads me down the path to believe they are manipulating me or trying to use me.
This brings me to number three. Don’t. Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT try to manipulate me or use me for your own purposes. I stated this a long time ago when I began blogging and I’ll say it again. Don’t “play” me. People who hurt me, that I can deal with, I can walk away and never look back. People who hurt my daughter through me, or around me, will find I’m not the tame little submissive to be walked all over. And I’ll say this so it is perfectly clear. Trying to meet me with ulterior motives than what we have agreed upon or discussed, is in fact, you trying to manipulate me, and is also your way of showing me you don’t care if my daughter gets hurt in the process. Walk away from me now or you will find out what I am capable of doing.
Now before anyone blows a gasket, I am not directing this to any one person. This has come to the forefront because of something recently which I will not discuss here. But it is not solely because of this which makes me talk about this. Over and over again, I seem to draw the same type of men, those who think they can use me and manipulate me. I oftentimes become confused because of how my instincts communicate to me and I’ve had men attempt to use that confusion to their benefit. I’m learning to detect them. I’m learning to take things slow and let time show me or reveal to me their true nature. I believe in some ways it is the universe teaching me, revealing to me, the substance of who I am, what makes me tick, and the characteristics I desire in a man which are right for me. It is also teaching me to rely on my instincts even when there is nothing solid to go on, eventually events will take place to back up what my instincts have been trying to communicate to me. I find this utterly fascinating and amazing. It has been a long road of discovery for me and putting it out here, in writing, in black and white, is a way for me to send it out into the universe to say “I know, I’ve made some bad choices, and I’m learning.”
I know it is possible to have what I need. I am also aware sometimes we aren’t quite ready. I think I’m moving towards that place when I will be ready, and every day brings me closer and closer. I’m exhausted from fending off all the users and manipulators, however, I can see the reason why they keep appearing in my life. I lost trust in myself. In particular, I lost trust in my instincts. Each one of these men have helped me hone my instincts and build my trust back. Maybe one day, the universe will take one look at me, smile and say, “You’ve done good girl. Now that you trust yourself, you will be able to trust that special man.”