For the past few days, possibly week, I’ve been feeling depressed. I’m trying to get a handle on why. This time in my life should be a wonderful time. I should be excited over buying the townhouse. I put down the deposit after it passed its home inspection and I spoke with the president of the strata council and found out how laid back they are. I feel very comfortable with buying the place. In fact, the actual mortgage is less than I’m paying in rent. It is only the strata fee and the property tax which raises it above my rent. It however will have us comfortable financially and in a nice home that will suit our needs. So I ask myself every day why I feel so down.
Last Thursday was my daughters last day of school. Not only was it her last day for the school year, but it was her last day in the school she has attended since we moved here. She was at the end of her first grade. I went to the celebration lunch, and assemblies. I am so proud of her. She got A honors for her last term. B honors for the year. And two or three certificates celebrating other achievements of her life as a student this past year. She also got a sixth grade year book. I love that her school tries to make the students life memorable and enjoyable.
In the midst of all of this, the townhouse and the end of year school activities, we both had medical appointments. My daughter has a few things happening which has us both concerned. Breathing problems when she performs physical activities such as running, which is not due to her not knowing how to breath properly, several years ago she had a teacher who is a runner teach her the proper method for breathing while running. It isn’t exercise induced asthma which puzzled her pediatrician so now we wait for an appointment with a respirologist. She also got an ultrasound due to painful periods and a sharp stabbing pain in her right side which we now await the results.
My appointments were my yearly follow-ups, mammogram on my left breast and then ultrasound, which they told me was just for my left breast. When I questioned the technician about how they would detect any cancer on my right side if they didn’t do an ultrasound there she told me I have no breast tissue left so there was nothing to check. Honestly, I don’t get it. I don’t get the medical field at all. I did my research I know breast cancer can spread throughout the body and into any surrounding tissue and yet they choose not to do any checkups except mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast???? Really???? The technician did do an ultrasound on my right side, she said she was doing it because I was concerned.
I just love how in the medical field if things don’t go the way they want them to, they just cut all ties and tell me ‘good luck’. I want to tell them to just kiss my ass and I hope they don’t find themselves in a similar situation as I find myself in. I have never felt more alone in my life.
I know these feelings are normal to have. After all it is a year since my diagnosis, and six months since my last treatment which ended so abruptly with me fighting for my life. It doesn’t make it easier. They say it takes five years of no cancer returning before they consider you cancer free but how do they know if it returns if they aren’t doing any checkups other than a mammogram and ultrasound on my left breast? Cancer can develop anywhere and can be there for a long time before there are any symptoms of its presence. No wonder when cancer comes back the prognosis is worse than the first time.
In the news, and the world of fund raising, they make it all sound so positive. They make it sound like breast cancer, the more common form I have, is curable, and more people survive it today than in the past. That we detect it more now than in the past and earlier. After experiencing what I have gone through, I doubt every bit of what I’m told. I don’t believe them, or I think they would have tried harder to convince me to continue treatment or try something else. Instead they didn’t fight at all which tells me they don’t have much faith in their treatments either. I honestly don’t think they know why some people survive and others don’t. I think they are shooting in the dark with a pistol which they don’t know for sure has real bullets or blanks.
The only thing I feel really good about right now is knowing I will no longer be paying rent. That the money I will be paying every month will now go toward my mortgage and building equity in my home. This along with the other ways I’m saving which I can continue to do since I didn’t buy in the upper range of my budget, will all be money invested for my daughter. I do all of this for her.
I’ve had some people react in shock when I tell them I would make completely different choices if it was just me. If I had no daughter or child to take care of. Why would that shock them? Wouldn’t anyone take more risks and live a different life if they had no children or spouse to care for?
My daughter’s sixth grade yearbook reminded me of how I no longer have my high school yearbooks. It reminds me of how I had allowed her father to manipulate me into believing I needed to discard all the things from my past both physically and mentally and emotionally. I have nothing from that time in my life to show to my daughter. This has added to my sadness especially when my daughter asks me about it. I could certainly order a yearbook from my school but it would be missing all the signatures and sentiments written in the originals. There are so many things like this which pop up to remind me. These are things I regret. I don’t regret the presence of this person in my life for his presence taught me a lot. I do however regret certain things I allowed to happen.
The sad thing is I’m allowing all these things to overshadow the joy I should be feeling. I don’t know how to stop it.
I’m tired of whining about my life. I do things to try and change it. Like buying the house. I’m hoping it will bring us a richer life in that we will now have our own space to do with as we please. I’m hoping we can make some good friends in the complex, people we can count on. When I heard the president of the strata council say how they had looked for one of the residents because they hadn’t seen him for a while and found him in a hospital having undergone some heart surgery it reassured me that these people look out for one another. This is what I want in life. People I can count on.
I need to learn to be happy with what I have and if anything more comes along to welcome it with open arms. I need to stop looking back at all the things I’ve lost, or what I don’t have, and enjoy what I do have. Some times it is harder than it sounds. This month has just been hard. Next month I hope is better but packing and preparing to move has a lot of reminders, a lot of triggers, that may not be so easy to get around. Maybe this time the memories will be good memories which will override those of my past.