I’m in the midst of making changes. Part of that means I evaluate what is going on in my life right now and determining what value it has or does not have. “Does it inspire me? Or does it defeat me?” This is what I ask myself. Then I also ask myself, “How much does it take up of my life?” and “Is it worthy of me and the time I devote to it? Does it make me a better person or help me to feel better about myself?” There are more questions I ask but these are the main ones which I imagine anyone reading this can understand why I would ask such things.
Part of the change is preparing for my move to our new home. I am on vacation this week and so far I’ve done very little in that preparation. Oh I have three boxes packed with books. and I have wiped down the outside of the kitchen cabinets and did a bit of cleaning in the bathroom. There is so much more to be done. What keeps me from doing a lot more is knowing I have scheduled professional local movers to help pack and move me, but whatever I do ahead of time will mean less time it takes them to pack, since they charge by the hour, I could potentially save myself a lot of money if I do a lot of it myself.
Monday, this week though was a good day. I spent it with a good friend shopping. I didn’t buy a lot just a few things and nothing for the new house. I bought a few clothes instead, and a box for the tools and hardware which are overflowing my toolbox. I also bought a digital scale, which measure body fat and body water percentages.
You might wonder why I purchased the last item since I already have a scale. I honestly need something that will help inspire me to become more active. I started wearing a step counter and logging my steps as well. Maybe if I become disgusted enough in myself I will finally get up and do something about it. But I’m not counting on it. I need to get into my head and find out what motivates me. What will make me willing to endure the discomfort of exercising in order to live healthier because I do have to face the fact that for me exercise means discomfort. It always has and it always will. It is also a lonely journey for me.
There was only one time in my life when I had a partner I exercised with. Those times were fun but it was also the time when no matter what I did, eat low fat and high fiber, increase my cardio, or what, I put on ten pounds in a week and a half, went to my doctor and was told I have an under active thyroid. From then on exercising became an uphill battle. One I constantly lost and I started hating my body. Put that now in conjunction with the changes my body has undergone this past year and I have a hard time wrapping my head around how I could ever find exercise enjoyable or be inspired to do it every day. To me it feels like torture and who has the stamina or will power to torture themselves every day?
Now maybe you are beginning to see the tip of the iceberg and why it is I am seeking change.
I have also known for a long time I need to work better on taking care of my home. I need to be able to walk into my home and feel good when I do. I want to feel a rush of comfort and happiness surround me when I enter my home. This is what I want to work towards creating in our new house. My day out shopping with my friend on Monday, gave me some very good ideas in how to do this. Not just in the things I buy but in how I want my home to look and feel. I didn’t buy anything for the home because I need to sit down and decide on some things first. Those things will take a bit to do and also means I need to have the freedom to look at my home in detail in order to make those decisions, which means waiting until I have the keys and can come and go as I please. That won’t happen until August 4th.
With all of this going on, I have realized there are some changes I need to make. I work full time. Even this week, though I’m on vacation, I am finding my time limited which means it will be even more so next week when I return to work full time.
There are also other things I need to consider. I need to prioritize. I need to decide what is more important to me and how much time I’m willing to put into those things.
♥ Spending time with friends, locally is more important than virtually.
♥ Having a beautiful home, which means taking the time to clean, organize, and decorate.
♥ Writing, working on the novels I have floating around in my head.
♥ Taking care of my daughter and myself, which means learning to cook better meals.
♥ Spending time with my daughter, having family meals, and doing things together.
♥ Being healthier, exercising/walking more.
♥ Work, I have to earn that paycheck or I can’t take care of us like I want.
♥ Find something to contribute to which helps others.
Things I would like to do:
♥ Watch television
♥ Knitting/crocheting projects
♥ Work on my artistic abilities
♥ Blogging/writing short stories for my blog
Obviously from the list above I have a lot of things I need to consider, and I also need to find balance. Right now things are way off balance. I need to look at why that is and fix it.
One of the things I have become aware of is, I use my blogging both reading and writing as a distraction. Sometimes my writing is very helpful in understanding things about myself but that isn’t always the case. Lately I have found reading other people’s life stories a burden. I spend a lot of time trying to give helpful advice from my own experiences while not focusing on improving my own life. Reading about other submissives enjoying their lives with their Doms and having wonderful sexual experiences only depresses me.
With my move, I’m faced with looking at my closets and deciding whether I should thin out the items I have hanging there which no longer fit me. They are beautiful clothes which I most likely will never be able to wear again. Today is my day to just bite the bullet and put them into bags to donate. Monday was the beginning of my journey into replacing those items with clothing I can wear which will be flattering and help me to begin feeling good about myself again, as I am now and not waiting until I lose weight or do other things that will change how I feel about myself. I know change has to be internal but I also need to look good on the outside. It is a known fact a person’s first impression of someone is of what they see externally, no matter how much that should not be the case, it is. I need to have my external appearance match my internal being or at least reflect it the best I can and right now that isn’t the case. Or maybe it is and I’m just fooling myself. Either way I have work that needs to be done.
I have a lot of work ahead of me. I know I need to find balance and I can’t tackle this all at once. I need to take things in steps, do a bit at a time, but I also need to have the time to do it. Which means, changing how much time I devote to certain things in my life, like those “I want to do”.
Blogging consumes a very large portion of my time. As much as I would think it inspires me or helps me, I have to face the fact that more times than not, I find myself depressed and still alone. So blogging will be one of those things I cut back on. I don’t plan to cut it out completely but I can no longer use it as I have been doing which is that of a distraction, and affirmation, and waiting for someone or something to make me feel good about myself. I have the contact page on my blog for a reason, so it will be easy for people to contact me if they want to. That option has been used very rarely however I plan to leave it in place. I don’t know how much I’ll write in my blog or read from other blogs. All I know is the time I was devoting to it will be reduced.
Plans going forward will be to focus on those things I listed as my priorities. Things I like doing will be done when I have free time. I do plan on incorporating free time for myself every day but only as a reward for focusing on all those other things. Which means this will be my last blog entry that is done first thing in the morning before I’ve even had a chance to do anything on my prioritized list.
I also realized it is time for me to set a better example for my daughter. The only way I can do that is by making these changes. I can’t expect her to do something, I myself am not willing to do. In this, I hope, she will begin to see the importance of being disciplined in her own life and in building a home environment which will inspire us and give us comfort.
Living my life virtually in this online world has distanced me from interacting with people in real life. Not to say online isn’t real. In some respects it is, but it isn’t reliable. People online come and go, and many you have no idea if they are really who they present themselves to be. It is true you can run into this in real life too. However, I don’t want to end up living in a world like I saw in a movie one time where people lived their lives virtually and were too afraid to be with people physically. The only way I can make sure that doesn’t happen is to get out there in the real world and experience life. The only way I can stop being so afraid is to face those fears and move forward. So, if you don’t hear from me through my blog for a while or there are great gaps of time between any posts, it is because I’m living my life again and taking my priorities seriously.
This isn’t good-bye. It isn’t me ending my blog. It is just an explanation if anyone should realize I’ve been absent or just really quiet. It doesn’t mean I don’t welcome comments or even contact through my contact page or email, in fact, I do welcome the contact. Just don’t be like my cat right now sitting outside my window, pawing at the glass, asking to be let in, when the door is already wide open.
I wish everyone much love, happiness and laughter in their lives and happy blogging. I’ll be back from time to time as my life permits. And if the urge hits you to contact me, feel free, the door is wide open.