It has been a while since I wrote, maybe not as long as my mind thinks it has been but long enough. There have been several things on my mind lately, some not so good thoughts and others well just all over the place.
The not so good thoughts are about the repercussions of a cancer diagnosis. Some may think they would be obvious and others may have never considered it if they haven’t experienced it. The major impact for me lately has been how cancer in my life has impacted me in various areas.
When seeing the dentist they had to get a confirmation from my family doctor before treating me. No dental work should be done while taking any cancer treatment due to a weakened immune system. Even though it had been six months or more since my last treatment they still needed a note from my doctor.
I have attempted to increase or get life insurance to cover the new mortgage I now have. They just won’t do it except to cover me for accidental death. They will not cover me for anything medical. Yes, I said, ANYTHING MEDICAL. So if I die from a heart attack, no life insurance payments to my daughter even though I have NO signs of having any medical condition related to the heart. What do I think about this? All this does is prove to me that insurance companies are scams. After reading more on life insurance to cover just my mortgage I realized I would just be throwing money away, into a dark hole which would never see the light of day again, at least not in my pocket. So my goal is to find an investment which will provide gains instead of losses, which will bet on life, instead of death.
I sit in my new home with a sense of peace. I love it here. My daughter loves it here. Even though we don’t yet have everything organized the way we want it, we are getting there. We are making plans. We are shopping around. The most wonderful thing about this is, I am starting to learn the things my daughter finds beautiful. She has an artistic soul. We walked through furniture stores, one after another and I watched her go from one bed to another and within microseconds of her first look decide if she liked it or not. 99% of the beds she looked at she didn’t like because in her words, ‘they are too plain’. She desires something artistically beautiful, where someone has taken the time to express themselves in the art and beauty of the wood the headboard is made out of.
The frustrating part? All the beds she loved were queen or king size only. They would consume her bedroom and leave her room for nothing else. I wasn’t even making her look at the prices and decide if they were too expensive. I didn’t want that to be an issue. Her room would fit a queen size bed with a dresser and nightstand, however, the headboard and foot board just couldn’t be six inches thick, so she started becoming rather frustrated and discouraged. She made a suggestion: “Mom, couldn’t we design our own?” I said sure. I would however need to find someone who works in wood and could do what we want. We did however keep looking. Pier 1 Imports was our last stop before going home. No headboards in the store came anywhere close to what she wanted, so she looked in the catalog. She finally found something she loved and was happy with.
In a couple weeks I will order it for her. It will be my last major purchase for our new house. The rest will have to come slowly in time, as I save up funds for that purpose. In the meantime, I’m still slowly unpacking boxes. I unpacked my knitting books yesterday. I posted the sofa, recliner and cabinet to try and sell. These items just don’t fit in our new home so we will be getting rid of them. So far, no serious interest, so come Monday I will most likely call a place which takes donations and see if they will come get them.
I finished unpacking the last of the boxes in our dining room. It now has a feeling of openness. It gives me hope that my plans for it will work nicely.
I came across a very inspiring video. Take a few moments to look and listen. I have been looking for inspiration for my artwork and what he says in this video is something we should all consider whether we are trying to create something artistic, or build a business, or raise our children. His focus is about his skill as an artist but what he says can be and should be considered in all aspects of our life. His words resonated with me and reminded me of a moment when I was attempting to draw something and each attempt I made ended up with it looking like it had been mangled by a wood chipper, until finally I found a method which worked for me. Since then not only is the drawing I added it to one of my favorites but I appreciate the effort it took to make it what I wanted it to be, because I took the time and worked at it.
We live in a society where we want things NOW, and we think everything should come easily to us. We have lost the true value of attaining what we want from the effort it takes to achieve it. Some athletes understand the value of working hard at the skill they have achieved and may find that one defining moment that made it all worthwhile but even so some have had to learn it isn’t that one moment that makes it all worthwhile, it is the journey they have been on their whole lives to get where they are today.
This house my daughter and I now live in, is much more appreciated by me, because it has taken me a lifetime to get where I am today. If I see a cluttered counter of dirty dishes, I want it cleaned up and instead of just letting it sit, I will get up and clean it up, or put my daughter to the task if it is a culmination of her not cleaning up after herself.
I remember as a child, how I hated cleaning up, or doing housework. I didn’t understand the value or the respect behind keeping a nice home because I wasn’t the one who had worked hard to make it happen. I see this in my daughter. I know one day she will learn but it will have to be in her own time, just as it came to me in my own time.
For now, my job is in teaching her how she can create the environment she wants or desires. Helping her to learn what brings her joy and inspiration. What is it which is worth taking hours, days or years to achieve. I can’t decide that for her. I can only decide what is worth it for me.
As I said at the beginning, my thoughts have been all over the place, both good and bad. Sometimes they have plummeted into the depths of despair and fear for what I have done over the past year or so. Wondering whether buying a house was a step too far or too soon after my fight with cancer. Most of the times these thoughts come at a time when my progesterone levels are challenged, meaning they maybe low, due to the cyclic nature of our hormones. I can feel panic, and fear simmering below the surface just waiting to erupt into a mess of emotions very similar to a magma eruption of a volcano. It is scary at times. Luckily most times I recognize it before it becomes overwhelming and can supplement with progesterone to stem off the tidal wave, but those thoughts linger on for hours and sometimes days afterwards making me doubt whether my decisions were good ones or not.
The wonderful thing about life, but also the most scariest thing about life, is we never know how it will turn out. The only sure thing is we know some day it will all be over and we’ll move on to whatever is next, or if you don’t believe in that sort of thing then it truly is the end.
I have spent my whole life looking ahead. Trying to see where I’m going. At other times I have spent hours, months and even years looking back at where I have been, trying to make sense of it all, or trying to figure out what I did wrong. I’m tired of doing both. I’m at a point in my life where I just want to live in the here and now. I want to enjoy the moment I’m in instead of looking forward or behind and not appreciating where I am, or what I have right NOW. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to learn from things from my past. It just means I have learned, life, real life, is in the exact moment we are currently in and looking forward or behind causes me to miss it, to not appreciate it.
Am I doing the best I can right now? Is the time I’m spending with my daughter something we both can appreciate and enjoy? These are the things I need to learn to appreciate and strive for and stop worrying about the future. I have learned it comes in its own way, in its own time, no matter what, and it is what I do in the present which makes it what it is.