February 1st, it is what it is…

For a long time, and even now though I have worked hard to eradicate it, when I find myself in really tough situations or hard times, I would find myself wishing a man would come in and save me.

 Yes, I want my White Knight.

 Unfortunately, throughout my life, no man has ever done so. Or maybe I should look at that as fortunate, for it has taught me to rely on myself and find my own way out of the situations I find myself in.

 This isn’t bad and I know it, however, it doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t have anyone to lean on. Or to bounce ideas off of. Why is it the only men who seem to express any interest and desire to help are already married with families needing their time and attention which leaves very little time or attention for me?

 I screwed up. I spent a lifetime avoiding the ‘good guys’. Denying to myself the ‘why’ of why I avoided them. Why I found myself time and again drawn to the ‘bastards’ as one person put it. Now, when I recognize this about myself and I desire that ‘good guy’, I am too late. They are gone or spoken for and I won’t tread on already claimed grounds. I made that mistake all too often, finding every excuse in the book for denying the truth of what I was really doing.

 I can’t say my current situation doesn’t at times bring that “wish”, that “dream” back. Or, I don’t feel the absolute absence of someone never being there to support me, encourage me, or just lift me up when I’m at my lowest, or tell me everything will be okay. Oh, I do have friends who try but it just isn’t the same.

 I basically bared my soul to my financial advisor. Revealing your financial assets or lack of them is very difficult to do without telling your life story behind it all. I felt about two inches high when I left his office while he tried to reassure me that he felt I would be alright. I want to believe him. I want him to be my White Knight. I want him to pull out some sort of miracle that will turn my life around and turn these past three weeks into just a bad nightmare.

 It is hard to sit here, not knowing what is in store for me in the coming months. It is hard to keep a positive outlook when it seems every time I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel for a bright new future, I am faced with learning something else that just very well might hinder it. And it is very hard to not be angry at myself and at the people who caused this situation.

 I’ve buried myself in my artwork. I’ve been learning some amazing things through online videos and recorded live streaming events, which could take me to whole new levels in my artwork. There are so many things I want to do and learn while at the same time I need to weigh and measure every cent I want to spend, in order to do any beautiful projects.

 I just want to dig my head into the sand and wait for the world to end. My artwork has become my escape from reality. I’m not sure how good that is.

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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4 Responses to February 1st, it is what it is…

  1. Eric says:

    Hi Kate,
    First I want to say that I understand a lot of what you’ve written here but, I don’t make any claim to know you well enough to give advice.

    but I think everyone in the world needs a “White knight” now and again.

    I’m married and the family provider. I’m well loved and cared for by my wife and my children. Even thought that’s true, every now and then I find myself looking for my Knightress, or Valkyrie or Supergirl or whatever. because it’s hard to bare life’s burdens all by yourself. We all want someone we can turn to and say,

    “Here…hold this for a little while. I’m tired of carrying it. Oh, BTW would you mind also being the perfectly amazing and devastating gorgeous person I can just get lost in, too? and if that’s not too much trouble can I climb onto the back of that horse and you can take me as far away from this freighttrain of responsibility as you can? That would be great!”

    I used to think it made me a monster, to think like that.
    The older I get the more I realize, it doesn’t. It just means I’m human and want a break from life. Maybe even a break from the three people who love me most in this world.

    Doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for it. Doesn’t mean I don’t want what I have.
    But it does mean I have to understand I can’t have what I want…without not being able to live with myself.

    it’s not a bad thing to leave the real world behind in your artwork. Artists should escape through their work. I live a completely different life through my Poetry. and it let’s me stay sane.

    always hold onto Hope…though Sometime She can be very hard to find.

    I have a hard time remembering that myself.

    I hope some of this made sense.

    I hope your white knight does help you on occasion and most of all I hope you can be happy by armoring yourself in your artwork.

    All my best.

    ERIC

    • Kate Spyder says:

      Thank you so much Eric for your kind response. Everything you have said makes sense, at least to me and it is nice to know others have those same desires or dreams, but sad to realize even those who seem to have it, may not. Hope is always alive for me, even when she gets trampled. I try to pick her up, dust her off, and give her any comfort she needs. My artwork helps me do that, especially during times like now where I’m waiting. Waiting can be the hardest thing to do. Thanks again. ~Kate

  2. Know that I’m thinking of you. My art is textiles, as you know. Getting lost in it is what has saved me so many times from spinning out of control in my head. The creating centers and focuses my energy in a positive direction. I’m hoping you are finding that place in your art.

    And for white knights, I think they masquerade as everyday people sometimes. I believe they are still around, although their shape can take many forms.

    Sounding hugs and prayers for hope in this dark journey.

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