For a long time, and even now though I have worked hard to eradicate it, when I find myself in really tough situations or hard times, I would find myself wishing a man would come in and save me.
Yes, I want my White Knight.
Unfortunately, throughout my life, no man has ever done so. Or maybe I should look at that as fortunate, for it has taught me to rely on myself and find my own way out of the situations I find myself in.
This isn’t bad and I know it, however, it doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t have anyone to lean on. Or to bounce ideas off of. Why is it the only men who seem to express any interest and desire to help are already married with families needing their time and attention which leaves very little time or attention for me?
I screwed up. I spent a lifetime avoiding the ‘good guys’. Denying to myself the ‘why’ of why I avoided them. Why I found myself time and again drawn to the ‘bastards’ as one person put it. Now, when I recognize this about myself and I desire that ‘good guy’, I am too late. They are gone or spoken for and I won’t tread on already claimed grounds. I made that mistake all too often, finding every excuse in the book for denying the truth of what I was really doing.
I can’t say my current situation doesn’t at times bring that “wish”, that “dream” back. Or, I don’t feel the absolute absence of someone never being there to support me, encourage me, or just lift me up when I’m at my lowest, or tell me everything will be okay. Oh, I do have friends who try but it just isn’t the same.
I basically bared my soul to my financial advisor. Revealing your financial assets or lack of them is very difficult to do without telling your life story behind it all. I felt about two inches high when I left his office while he tried to reassure me that he felt I would be alright. I want to believe him. I want him to be my White Knight. I want him to pull out some sort of miracle that will turn my life around and turn these past three weeks into just a bad nightmare.
It is hard to sit here, not knowing what is in store for me in the coming months. It is hard to keep a positive outlook when it seems every time I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel for a bright new future, I am faced with learning something else that just very well might hinder it. And it is very hard to not be angry at myself and at the people who caused this situation.
I’ve buried myself in my artwork. I’ve been learning some amazing things through online videos and recorded live streaming events, which could take me to whole new levels in my artwork. There are so many things I want to do and learn while at the same time I need to weigh and measure every cent I want to spend, in order to do any beautiful projects.
I just want to dig my head into the sand and wait for the world to end. My artwork has become my escape from reality. I’m not sure how good that is.