In case you were wondering…

I’ve been spending my days arting. Usually that involves youtube videos, free classes I found, and some not so free classes I splurged on that were incredibly priced for the content they provide.

Arting is my way of coping with what is and is not happening in my life.

I still haven’t found a job. I have mixed emotions about this. Is this the way it is supposed to be and I need to stop fighting it? Or worrying so much about it? I love spending all day on my art. This includes crafting. I say crafting because I’m not sure if creating handmade journals/books is art or crafting, probably both. I just love having all this time to do what I love. The not so good emotions about this is the worry over money. Something catastrophic could happen and all my funds would be wiped out or I could lose my home and so many other bad things could happen. However, I realize, probably the majority of retired people are living like this, and maybe I can too.

Another thing which is happening is my daughter’s menstrual cycle issues have gotten worse. She has two weeks of bad days and two weeks of good days, which means she misses a lot of school. She is at risk of failing her current grade. We are looking at alternative education and trying to get her enrolled basically so she can learn from home. All of this combined is having a toll on her emotional well-being.

My emotional health isn’t too stable either. The tiniest bit of stress and I can feel like I’m going over the edge. The medication is helping, although I think it is making me feel numb in some ways, not caring in other ways, and I feel tired and sometimes sleep a lot. My doctor is having me adjust the dose to see if it helps.

Since I’m on that topic, here is a poem I wrote:

Closing Shutters
I stare, seeing nothing
Brain feels like thick sludge
Pushing behind eyes seeing nothing.

Heavy weighted lashes
Dragging down
Closing upon images
Making no sense.

A hole in my chest
Squeezing ache
Ready to shatter
Leaving shards piercing lungs.

Rising up
Through the fog
Sludge thick and viscous
Blending
Becoming one
With aching shards
And laborious legs.

A glob of gelatinous matter
Misfires, lost signals,
And scattered images.
Recordings fail,
Darkness prevails.
Floating
Waiting
Pull me from this nightmare.

4:16pm 29January2017

I always put date and time on my poems. It helps me to connect with where I was at the time of its writing.

I haven’t written much poetry lately, though I’m planning on changing that. I want to include it in my art.

I have been surprised at times when my art is bright and colorful, and I know I don’t feel that way inside. It’s obvious from my poetry I’m in rather a dark place and yet my art can be quite bright and colorful. I read where someone said the same thing and they thought it was because subconsciously she knew she needed to brighten her life and add more light and beauty into her life so it comes out in her artwork. I have to agree with what she said. I feel this is the same for me.

I am wondering what kind of reaction I would receive if I added one of my dark poems to a brightly colored piece of art I created. The contrast I think would be stunning and possibly shocking.

At this time I am not sure where this blog is going or if it will progress. It has changed dramatically from its inception in so many ways. I considered taking it down completely but I think that would defeat the purpose of the blog. This is about my journey, no matter where it goes. I’m realizing it is definitely reflecting a person in search of herself. Her authentic self. I can be a chameleon, which can be so confusing for me. The one thing I know for certain is I’m not a person who confines her beliefs, morals and lifestyle to a nicely confined box. I love that about myself. I love what that means about me. However, it means I can become rather confused when I measure that against what I was taught as a child. It isn’t easy and sometimes it can be rather lonely.

My daughter is discovering this too. Which means it can get rather…. well… let’s just say…interesting.

~Kate

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About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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