I have been combining my art journaling with learning more about myself. In doing so, I invested in two year long classes. One is Life Book 2017 provided by Tamara Laporte and the other is Book of Days 2017 provided by Effy Wild. Both women subscribe to using art as a healing process. They help you learn how to dig into yourself and learn, by questioning and being deeply honest with yourself. The honesty is sometimes the hardest part.
Since what I call my breakdown at a job I had last year, I have known I need to understand why and explore the triggers which cause my anxiety, especially to such levels as I have had.
The lay off shattered me in ways I didn’t fully understand. I allowed it to make me believe I was laid off because I wasn’t good enough or that I was no longer needed. I allowed it to make me feel worthless and ashamed or that maybe I had done something wrong which they refused to tell me.
These feelings carried on with each job I applied for and was not called or failed the interview process.
I’ve allowed this to effect my home environment. My home chores have been ignored at least until the point I have no choice but to do them. I delay other tasks risking the loss of things like financial reimbursement from medical treatments. I’m allowing myself to take medication which is effecting my ability to function.
These things are all connected with my feelings of worthlessness.
My art which I do every single day helps provide me with feelings of happiness, joy, accomplishment and close to being valued. Thank god my daughter values me which helps at least for me to feel loved.
I don’t say all of this to gain sympathy. I don’t need sympathy. I need to let go of all these negative feelings but when I hear this whether it is from myself or from others, I always wonder if we ever really let go of anything or is it just buried so deep we forget about it? I know there is a big difference between the two.
Some days are better than others. But since my doctor had me increase my medication I have also felt an increase in feeling the need to sleep which lasts almost all day. I tried switching to taking the medication at night instead of in the morning but it doesn’t seem to make any difference, so I think it is time to stop them. Allow myself to feel what I really feel and dig deep as to why. Consequently, I have made an appointment with my doctor.
I do have a natural alternative suggested by my Naturopath which should help reduce the anxiety and mental stress I’ve been experiencing. This is good as long as I can afford it.
What I know and how I feel contradict each other which is sometimes difficult to reconcile. I know for a fact that being laid off was not a result of anything I did or didn’t do. Lay offs have been happening in the area I worked in for a couple of decades or more, almost every year. This is the way of the corporate world. They lay off in time to show the board of directors and stockholders that action is being taken on the bottom line financially without acknowledging the negative impact this will have with their business and those left to handle the workload.
This has nothing to do with my self-worth. I performed a valuable job for the company and its customers and I did it well. So well in fact, I was the last one left doing that particular work. Now it is covered less efficiently and squeezed in as an after thought only when it is absolutely needed by people who are already overworked. This means there will be more and more things left undone and possibly misinformation given to customers and those making the major decisions. This is no longer for me to worry about.
In regards to applying for jobs. It is a difficult position to be in with so many people looking for work. There is no shortage of applicants. I have other alternatives which I allowed my present frame of mind to interfere with, all because I’m afraid to fail. The thing is because I’m not doing it, I’m already failing.
Self-sabotage is a dangerous loop to get into. Even though I realize I’m in this mode, it is difficult to remove myself from the loop. I could potentially create something that has the potential to be the best thing which ever happened to me. That is the kicker. Potential. If I don’t take action and seize the potential, then there really is no potential. Nothing is going to be dropped into my lap, except for the negative things I wish to avoid.
It is time to stop looking at the past, let it go. Stop looking at tomorrow, since tomorrow really doesn’t exist. My focus should be on today and what I can do TODAY to bring about the changes I want in my life.
I don’t think it is about letting go. I think it is about being present in the now and realize the present is all that exists, the only place we ever really ARE. What each moment becomes is only what we make it to be.
My art work is wonderfully fulfilling but maybe I can combine my technical knowledge with my art work to build something today.
Today is now. I am now. This is now.
I’m going NOW, so I can make something of this moment.