Rudderless and change…

I’ve been trying to figure out what to blog about. Should I write a short story? Should I write an update about what has been going on in my life? What would my followers want most? I have no idea.

I lost track of how many posts I started and never finished. Some were short stories. Some were updates on my life. Some were just meanderings of nothingness.

This sort of reflects where I am in life. I’m in a period of confusion. I’m feeling lost and alone. I’m feeling betrayed. I have had the whole range of emotions cycling through me, sometimes when I least expect it and without warning. I don’t always know why or what triggers the emotions. I am, however, learning.

What I’m feeling most of all is the feeling of being lost, or adrift, no rudder to be found. I have nothing to grasp onto to help me steer my ship.

For some, Tarot, is the tool of the devil. For others, it is just a game. For others, it is a way to divine the future. And for still others, it is a way to connect with our higher selves. I have had to try and breach the wall of judgmental thinking of Tarot being the tool of the devil. I grew up with Christianity as my foundation where just wearing clothes the church deemed provocative was sinful. Where enjoying the beauty of our bodies would send us to hell.

I couldn’t live up to their standards, so I walked away. I didn’t walk away from my beliefs, I walked away from religion which was too judgmental, confining and even condemning in their thoughts and actions.

I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy believing as everyone else believed. Or living like everyone else lived. I still have problems understanding why I don’t fit within those molds. The cookie cutter world so many people seem so happy to live within. I still struggle with this.

I know, the reason I feel so rudderless, is because I am embarking on a journey so different from what I have ever experienced. I find myself asking myself, “What do you want?” That is such a broad question, I try to narrow it down, so I ask, “What do I want in a relationship?” or “What do I want to do for work?” or “What do I want to do for fun?

Sometimes, I come up with answers, but mostly I come up with more questions. “What do I want in a relationship? Do I want a relationship with a man? Maybe, I just don’t want a relationship at all? Do I want to go through all the work it takes to get to know someone and then find out they aren’t the one? Do I want to have someone come into our lives and have him completely change everything? Can I have a relationship with a man and still have everything I have now?” on and on the questions go. Each topic, very much the same. Just change the word ‘relationship’ to ‘work’ and ‘man’ to ‘business or company’ and you have the same questions I ask myself about work.

Who am I kidding, no matter what happens, one element entering our lives will change it. The question is, am I willing to have this happen? If I were honest with myself the answer would be ‘no’ and ‘yes’. See what I mean? I’m rudderless. I want these things, I just don’t want things to change. But it will change. I’ve had so much change over the past three years, I’m scared to have any more changes come into my life.

Why am I afraid? Because the changes that have gone on these past three years have been devastating in so many ways. The next change that occurs has to be something uplifting, something wonderful, maybe even something beyond my wildest dreams. I can’t handle another devastating event.

So, in order to prevent this from happening, I remain rudderless. No movement, means no change. Nothing new and wonderful, means no room for it to go sour and fall apart.

I, however, cannot continue to remain rudderless. This will only work for so long before I have no other option than to make a choice, that puts the rudder back in my hand in order to steer my way into the current of the stream.

Life is a stream. It moves. It flows. Sometimes, it will become what appears to be a stagnant pool but eventually that stagnation will end. I am hoping I have restored my energies enough to withstand what is coming next. I have no option but to face it and do what is necessary.

Again, a question.. what will that be? I have no idea. I can only hope it will be something good and wonderful.

I brought up Tarot earlier. Here is an example of how I utilize Tarot. In a class I am part of, they have daily prompts to fill into the blank space left in a sentence or question. This month’s question is “What do I need to know about _____?”  Today’s prompt was “nature”. Filling in the blank space and the question becomes, “What do I need to know about nature?”

What you are meant to do, is focus on the question while shuffling a deck of your choice. Whether you use an oracle deck, tarot deck, playing card deck, or whatever, it is your choice. Once you feel like the cards are shuffled enough, you then pull a single card from the deck. You then look at the card. Study it. Ask yourself, what do you see in the card. How does this card make you feel? How does this card, or the feelings you feel when you look at the card, relate to the question?

I pulled XX Judgement, from my Tarot deck. I sometimes read the guidebook for the card I pull. I did today but it wasn’t helpful. It is best to go with your first instincts of what you thought and felt when you first looked at the card. My first thought was, “it is our nature to be judgmental”.  This then helped me to understand, that we need to be aware of whether our judgements are negative or positive. What we think and do goes out into the world. It comes back to us, sometimes more powerful. We might not consciously think about sending our thoughts out into the world. They go out there whether we want them to or not.

I’ve been less than kind in my judgments over the past three years. I’ve been rather harsh in my judgments towards my doctors and the company I worked for. I want to let go of all of that and be more positive, think more positive. It isn’t always easy. In fact, for me, most times it is very difficult to think positively.

I grew up in a negative environment, therefore, I learned to be rather negative in my thoughts and outlook on life. I want to change it but not sure if I can. It is a constant struggle. Again, another feeling of being rudderless, with no direction and just letting the stream take me over the rapids and hope I don’t tip out of the boat and drown. See how negative my thoughts can be?

Nature in itself is a slowly evolving entity. It doesn’t react well to a sudden onslaught of changes. Build a city and nature recedes. Have a sudden flood and nature goes dormant. But all of these things are temporary, eventually nature, in its persistence, will slowly revive itself and grow. In the case of a city, if left without interference, nature will devour it, leaving behind a network of skeletons it will use to become stronger.

Evolution really is about nature becoming stronger. Even mutations are natures way of evolving into something more powerful. You can’t stop change. I can’t stop change. At the most, I can enter into a state of dormancy to hold off change for as long as possible, but eventually, in its persistence, change will come. Change will take over.

I have a choice, either accept it and work with it, fight it, or remain neutral and let it take me where it will.

The question is, how do you tell the difference between fighting change and working with it? There have been times where I thought for sure I was working with change but now wonder if I have been fighting against it.



About Kate Spyder

I'm a creative individual finding her way in her writing. I enjoy expressing my deep thoughts through poetry and stories. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy writing them.
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